The Black Hole

You may have noticed that there have been no posts for a couple weeks. I have come to admit that depression and depression cycles have been part of my makeup my entire life.  I do believe since I had a hysterectomy in my 30's that the severity has decreased with stabilization of hormones. However, it still happens. And at that time, I did not understand it was depression. I just thought I was lazy and worthless.

If you have depression or have gone through it, you will understand this. If you have never experienced it, you will not have a clue or understand even a little bit. For those who do not experience depression, the normal reaction is to want to grab the whiner by the neck and shake some sense into them. Trust me, I really want to do that to myself.

I even feel guilty for having these feelings. I have a pretty fantastic life. I have an incredible husband and really great kids and grand kids that are pretty darn healthy and happy. Ron has Parkinson's and it is difficult not to let that hang like a great black cloud of doom over my head. Again, great blessings. He responds well to the medications and thankfully affording them at this point is not an issue. That gives us a quality of life that would not be there without them.

The kids are way too far away. But not so far that we can't see them. Again, blessed. They are all employed. They are all doing well. I enjoy, like, love, trust, value them. All things good. I also miss them even though I talk to them nearly daily or more.

I really enjoy my job. I love the work. I truly love helping people and I work hard at it. But during these times, although I am very blessed again that I can still function, I really just want to crawl in a hole and let the whole world go away. So I function. I do what is needed. And then I go home and just sit until I have to do something.

I think that it is a good sign I am writing about this. A sign that I want to face it and move on..... again. I have not stepped on the scale in a couple weeks. Don't want to know, don't want to look. I have eaten everything in site. Not sure if it is a symptom, part of the problem or what.

So time to do something. The first something is this. write. Acknowledge. Then move, do something. Today I will be showing some homes. I spent some time with my horses this morning, brushing them, just being there with them.

Some people love holding a cat and hearing the purr. Or having a dog sit with you and pet them. Me it is the smell of a horse. My big guy Smoke I have had for 20 years. He is part of my heart. He knows me. He is huge! He is gentle and he helps. I have not been out to see the horses for weeks. So it is a good sign. Smokey stands close. He does not crowd. Then there is Freedom. He is 8 and a character. He is a lover too. Wants to be with you. Between the two of them it is awesome. They both want you to pay attention to just them but they are both pretty gentle. Smoke is my heart and Freedom is my laugh. Then there is Boomer. He is 18, a Quarter/Pony. So he looks a bit like a quarter horse but is closer to a pony size. He is patient. He tolerates about anything. I got him for the grand kids to learn on. Spending more time out with them will be very good for me.

I NEED to start exercising to. I need it for both my mental and physical health.

My house is quite dirty too. Ron cleans a lot of stuff, but it is too much for him to do alone plus try to keep up with all the outside work.

Standard procedure would be A) Hit bottom. B) Kick self in Butt and start doing something. C) Paint, clean, move something in the house. I have learned that it is a way I try to control something. I have done this since I was a kid. Only then it was just moving things around.

Sandi mentioned just yesterday how as kids they could count on everything being moved around, bedrooms changed and other huge projects, about every 6 months when they were kids.

I am going out to spray weeds. Then I will get ready for my afternoon appointments.

If you have depression, you are NOT alone. One thing I found since I started this blog is it seems that the folks that do not experience depression are really in the minority. But it is such a secret thing. Few admit it. I mean, if you admit it, you are admitting to having some type of "mental" issue. Or being lazy or worse.

Come with me on my journey. You cannot fix me, nor I you. But you can learn from what I go through and if you share, I can learn from you. You already know that all the advice others give you does not help. But if you listen to someone else going through this, you may find things to help yourself. Some things NOT to do. Some things to think about.

Hey guys, I don't know how I could be anymore open than I am. Please let me know that at least someone is out there listening. You don't need to put a comment, but a short email to me saying you read this would be appreciated. Anything else is just a huge bonus.

Welcome to my life.