202.5

Today I just don't care. I will care tomorrow. Dark and dreary. The weather, and maybe my mood a bit. But hopefully as with the weather, my darker mood will give way to bright sunshine and puffy clouds. When the season is right, flowers and green.

Right now, I don't care. OK for one day.

I do know I need to start exercising. The fact that I have been thinking about it "without" dread says that it is time.

It is not what will really get my weight where it needs to be. It is what will get my health where it needs to be. And likely my moods.

Also, when I exercise, I am a lot more likely to eat healthy.

Hmmm. Think I miss feeling good like that.  How many days do you think it will take me to get busy?

Reality bites

***199.0
My sweet husband has been working on putting all our pictures into digital form. A task that has taken countless hours and great dedication!

Like anyone who works very hard, he has asked me to view some of the photo's and review the video from the 8mm and vhs that he is also recording.

Most were awesome! In that collection of long forgotten history was evidence that I never wanted to see. Pictures and video of me at my higher weights.

First came the pictures. All of the shame came back. Annoyance that I had allowed myself to get to 255+. Disbelief at the pictures I saw. Family shots, professionally taken for our family pictures. And there I was, wearing a Mans XXL polo shirt that I got at work. Because I thought that shirt would hide my rolls the best. Ron was happy to find these long lost treasures and did not know how it effected me.

A couple days later was a video of a birthday party. And there I was. I truly did not even know it was me until I spoke! I could not stand easily. I waddled. I was huge. I had no idea! It just happened, one bite, one decision at a time over years, it just happened.

And I think the thing that really bothers me now is that I allowed all those years of my life and my families lives to be affected by my weight.

The good things that have come from it is it started me back the right direction. I had gone up again. This is not a task to be completed and forgotten! It is life long.

I still do not know why I sabotage myself as I do.  I truly do have to "work" at gaining weight! Eating garbage and way too much.

It also allowed me to give myself some credit. 50+ pounds is a large amount to lose! And although I have been floating around 200 for about 2 years, that is still 50 pounds!!!!!

Time for the next step.

Depression is certainly part of all this. Pulling me back into old "comfort" foods and habits that really need to go away.

One last word. This blog is really about me sharing MY journey. For some, 110 pounds is huge. For others, they "dream" of weighing 255 or 200. This is about me.

I do get those who preach being "happy" and OK with whatever size you are. Sorry, not buying it. Overweight robs my life. Robs my future and my family. It is unhealthy. Needs to change. We are not talking about me being upset that I am 120 pounds, being really too thin already at my height. We are talking at this point of me being around 50 pounds above the highest weight on those lousy charts. And in the beginning, I was over 100 pounds too heavy!

Please, if you struggle with this too, either depression or "obesity" like I do. Join me in my journey. Struggle with me. Make progress with me.

Again???

Yes again. You never fail until you quit trying. Failure is an event, not a person (Zigg Ziggler).

Saturday Ron uploaded a ton of pictures. The ones of me from the last 2 decades were disturbing.  I looked and was shocked at what I saw. 255 was the highest recorded... might have been higher because I avoided scales. But that was the highest at the doctors office.

I was down into the upper 180's....was....

Looked at pictures on Saturday. Looked at the scale on Sunday... 208.5.

Monday 205.5  Monday was the day I came up with the contest to get my wonderful new saddle!

Tuesday 201.5.

I think I can expect to reach under 200 this week.  You can see by the weight loss that I had a lot of water gain. My ankles were swollen.  Not so much now.

The goal is for each of us to lose 50 pounds. Ron from 250 to 200 even. Me from 205.5 to 155.

I get a brand new saddle, special ordered.  He gets a "new to him" car.  Of course all based on having the money banked to pay for it.

50 pounds. Wow. I already lost 50 pounds. More than 50. I will do it again, this time the next 50, not the last 50 over and over and over again.

Funny thing is, 200 when I was 255 or even 245 seemed totally unattainable. And I was sure if I ever reached that magical number I would be very happy.  Well I have gone by it both ways multiple times recently and I am not satisfied!  But what I do understand is that 155 is doable, would be a healthy weight for me and is in my near future..... along with a really fancy black saddle!

Once again...

198.5 2 pounds in one day and all I did was just not eat junk. Why I go back to eating wrong and unhealthy when I feel worse is beyond me. I guess it is addiction. And when I am not doing well, depression or ill, I fall off the wagon I guess.

However, I am feeling good. I am not depressed. And each time the set back is less time and less damage. One of these times, maybe even this last time, will be the LAST time.

Here we go again

200.5 OK I am back. Tooth is healed or dead and root canal complete. At least the infection is gone.

Had a massive pig out last night.  Sandi has challenged me to a 30 day weight loss and today is day 1. YEA!! I am really looking forward to eating right again. Been about 5 weeks since I have and 14 15 pounds, I don't even want to look.

The competition is good. Will keep me on track. I am feeling so much better. Really huge actually. Depression or illness is very difficult. Those people who deal with it on a daily basis, wow. They are incredible.

Good start. Spinach shake. Not quite the same as the cookies and cream ice cream with magic shell I had last night. But good.

The Chicken or the Egg

I thought I was so smart.... Figured I knew what was going on. Knew what the cause was (just me) and the cure (just time). Not so.

I looked in the mirror at a sore spot on my gum. Nasty. I will spare you the details. Then I did what any good computer user would do, Googled  "Gum Sores". After scaring myself to death, I called my dentist and was in the next day.

Again, sparing you the nasty details, I had a tooth that went bad, died and abscessed. The sore was the thing trying to drain the poison. It was so bad that I am currently waiting to go back in again for the 3rd time to see if enough of the infection is gone that they can finally close up the root canal after already having it opened, scraped out and packed to try to get the infection under control twice so far.

Trying to learn from my mistakes I decided to finally do something about a sinus issue that has been bothering me for .... um... about 8 years. Turns out I have had a very long standing low grade infection there too! How long? 8 years???

Guess what! I bet you know. I did not. Turns out, that even a low grade infection will cause severe fatigue! Make you tired, very difficult to get anything done. Could be that can cause depression, or does depression cause fatigue? Chicken or the egg?  How long have I been fighting this?

In this case it was the tooth infection that was the huge issue, one I am still dealing with after 5 weeks treatment. I know that started in February. About the time I really started to have trouble with NO ENERGY.  But what about the sinus thing? How long has that been going on and how much has that caused me to deal with that I did not have to deal with?

Antibiotics, steroids and all manner of sinus fun stuff (as in gross and I won't go into details). I don't know where all this will lead. What I have is quite resistant to antibiotics and I have a reaction to the new really strong stuff.

What I want you to know is be proactive. What is very shocking to me about all this is I thought I was! We are pretty darn good about checking things. I did have a root canal on a tooth that was really bothering me in November. I would have done the same for the one that went bad. But it never got to the level of pain that the first one did. Instead it died and really caused trouble. And once it died, most the pain left! It was not until the infection spread so far that the pain started again, and it was mild.

It was the same with the sinus, not a big deal, or at least I thought. I am pretty angry that I did not fix this stuff sooner. Mad that I did not understand, did not ask enough questions. It would have saved me so much trouble, time, pain, money and damage.

If someone had given me this advice, I would not have thought of the sinus problem. I would not have thought of my tooth. It really did not seem like a big problem, but it was.

So please, if you are overly tired, can't seem to do anything. If you think you are lazy and want to sleep all the time. It might be depression. It could be a low grade, no fever infection, a tooth issue, sinus or something else. Likely a good idea to go to a Dr and talk. Although I would not have even thought of the things that were really the problem. But maybe you will. And maybe it will make a difference in your life.

I feel better. Just knowing a reason. I am on medicine and going to get several tests done and figure some things out. Would be nice if the pills handle everything but I am not holding my breath.

With the infections being treated, my energy and drive have increased dramatically! Still a long way to go, but at least I am on the right road! I might even step on the scale and see what damage has been done there.

The Black Hole

You may have noticed that there have been no posts for a couple weeks. I have come to admit that depression and depression cycles have been part of my makeup my entire life.  I do believe since I had a hysterectomy in my 30's that the severity has decreased with stabilization of hormones. However, it still happens. And at that time, I did not understand it was depression. I just thought I was lazy and worthless.

If you have depression or have gone through it, you will understand this. If you have never experienced it, you will not have a clue or understand even a little bit. For those who do not experience depression, the normal reaction is to want to grab the whiner by the neck and shake some sense into them. Trust me, I really want to do that to myself.

I even feel guilty for having these feelings. I have a pretty fantastic life. I have an incredible husband and really great kids and grand kids that are pretty darn healthy and happy. Ron has Parkinson's and it is difficult not to let that hang like a great black cloud of doom over my head. Again, great blessings. He responds well to the medications and thankfully affording them at this point is not an issue. That gives us a quality of life that would not be there without them.

The kids are way too far away. But not so far that we can't see them. Again, blessed. They are all employed. They are all doing well. I enjoy, like, love, trust, value them. All things good. I also miss them even though I talk to them nearly daily or more.

I really enjoy my job. I love the work. I truly love helping people and I work hard at it. But during these times, although I am very blessed again that I can still function, I really just want to crawl in a hole and let the whole world go away. So I function. I do what is needed. And then I go home and just sit until I have to do something.

I think that it is a good sign I am writing about this. A sign that I want to face it and move on..... again. I have not stepped on the scale in a couple weeks. Don't want to know, don't want to look. I have eaten everything in site. Not sure if it is a symptom, part of the problem or what.

So time to do something. The first something is this. write. Acknowledge. Then move, do something. Today I will be showing some homes. I spent some time with my horses this morning, brushing them, just being there with them.

Some people love holding a cat and hearing the purr. Or having a dog sit with you and pet them. Me it is the smell of a horse. My big guy Smoke I have had for 20 years. He is part of my heart. He knows me. He is huge! He is gentle and he helps. I have not been out to see the horses for weeks. So it is a good sign. Smokey stands close. He does not crowd. Then there is Freedom. He is 8 and a character. He is a lover too. Wants to be with you. Between the two of them it is awesome. They both want you to pay attention to just them but they are both pretty gentle. Smoke is my heart and Freedom is my laugh. Then there is Boomer. He is 18, a Quarter/Pony. So he looks a bit like a quarter horse but is closer to a pony size. He is patient. He tolerates about anything. I got him for the grand kids to learn on. Spending more time out with them will be very good for me.

I NEED to start exercising to. I need it for both my mental and physical health.

My house is quite dirty too. Ron cleans a lot of stuff, but it is too much for him to do alone plus try to keep up with all the outside work.

Standard procedure would be A) Hit bottom. B) Kick self in Butt and start doing something. C) Paint, clean, move something in the house. I have learned that it is a way I try to control something. I have done this since I was a kid. Only then it was just moving things around.

Sandi mentioned just yesterday how as kids they could count on everything being moved around, bedrooms changed and other huge projects, about every 6 months when they were kids.

I am going out to spray weeds. Then I will get ready for my afternoon appointments.

If you have depression, you are NOT alone. One thing I found since I started this blog is it seems that the folks that do not experience depression are really in the minority. But it is such a secret thing. Few admit it. I mean, if you admit it, you are admitting to having some type of "mental" issue. Or being lazy or worse.

Come with me on my journey. You cannot fix me, nor I you. But you can learn from what I go through and if you share, I can learn from you. You already know that all the advice others give you does not help. But if you listen to someone else going through this, you may find things to help yourself. Some things NOT to do. Some things to think about.

Hey guys, I don't know how I could be anymore open than I am. Please let me know that at least someone is out there listening. You don't need to put a comment, but a short email to me saying you read this would be appreciated. Anything else is just a huge bonus.

Welcome to my life.

Two steps forward....

188.0 today. That would be one step. pr 2.5 pounds back, or gained. I know why, two meals out on Friday and then snacking all day Saturday. Of course I gained!

Again, not a big deal, it will go down again.

So I think I have been pretty successful in a roller coaster sort of way. And still I am drawn to articles about losing weight. Seeing if there is some magic out there that is the answer to all, and there is. Eat correctly, eat less calories than you expend. We already knew that!

Onward

185.5 Another half pound to hit 70 pounds total lost! WOW!!!! My horses are soooo happy. My knees are so happy. I like the way I look. I feel good about myself. I am learning to accept me and ADMIT and claim my attributes.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why are we so damaging to ourselves? I am working on changing that. Please excuse anything that sounds like bragging. It is such an unusual thing for me to like me.

If you are new to this, keep reading.

This blog is not about "Dieting". It is about mindset and eating healthy and getting healthy. My journey, with all the ruts and detours. I want others to come with me, to be happier and healthier.

My highest weight was 255. 185.5 did not even seem like a realistic goal. Now I know I will hit 150, a reasonable goal for my height of 5 ft 7.5 inches. In fact, still too much for many of the "charts".

Up to this week, all of that has been completed without exercise. It has been done without "dieting". I have changed how I eat. I have changed how I think of food.

If you want to know more, post a comment here or email me. I want to have people taking this journey with me. I am not selling anything. I just like helping.  My email is Lani@ida.net.

New Low

186 today. My daughter beat me on our bet, but we both still won in weight loss for this month. She lost 11 pounds, I lost 8, all of that in the last week. Some of it for the third time! I love losing weight so much that I gain it back so I can lose it again!!!

Working more on an Atkins type eating program to get me going again. It gives me more energy and curbs my appetite. The biggest difference between that and the way I would like to always eat is there is less fruit and less veggies for a couple weeks. You cut down on the ones with the higher carb content like corn and peas.  It is very important to eat enough. So I eat whenever I am hungry, several times a day instead of just 3 meals.

Today is my last diet coke too. Only had two small bottles yesterday morning, the little ones. Was rewarded with a monster headache last night. Can hardly wait to see how today goes.

I have been walking, did inside exercise today.  I have been riding my horses a little and LOVING it.

The funny thing is what your mind does to you. I am really only 2 pounds less than the low I have hit so far. But I feel very skinny! Again, all in context, skinny compared to where I was.

There are several very nice looking and VERY slender ladies at work. I need to be very careful NOT to compare myself to them. I would never come out on the positive side. They have a totally different body type than I do, not to mention still weighing about 50 pounds less than I do.

The fact is, I look good, the more clothes I have on the better.... I will be healthy and I will be in good shape and I will be very happy with how I look for me. I am.

Just because I am pleased, does not mean I am done.

There was a very very long time in my life that the only thing I liked about how I looked was the size of my teeth. No I am not kidding. Then I had some needed surgery done and it changed the position of my teeth and they looked tiny, in fact for about a year, you could barely see them even when I smiled. I was devastated. The only good thing, the only thing I could look in the mirror and like was taken from me.

I was in my early 20's and was under 160 pounds. Looking back I see a very insecure and nice looking young woman.

I feel better about myself now, 30 years older, many more wrinkles and 30 pounds heavier than I felt about myself then. So it really has nothing to do with weight or what you look like.

So today, look in the mirror and find something new about yourself that you really can appreciate.

Have a great day!

Almost cheating

I weighed twice this morning, will take the higher one so I am not so disappointed tomorrow. 190! Second weight was 189. Yesterday was 194.

That is a huge number for one day. It is that big because it was just added in the last week, so when I stop eating wrong, the body goes back to where it was.

Still, 4 - 5 pounds in 1 day. I will take it. Here is hoping tomorrow is at least 1 pound!

I walked one mile today. A good start. My goal is to add to that distance a little bit every day.

Time to move!

It is time to get this going. My birthday is June 25th, has been that day my whole life :) . This year I will give myself a gift. The gift is weighing 175 or less.

Since today I weighed in at 194, that is a pretty big commitment for 28 days. 19 pounds in 29 days. Not your typical healthy weight loss. So here is my justification. I figure at 194, about 6-8 of those pounds are really just what I ate this last week. That is because a little more than a week ago, I was at 188. So 188 to 175 is only 13 pounds and totally doable in 29 days.

Now I can't be laid back about this, will be exercising and going back to a very strict eating style for the next 29 days. More protein,  less fruit. Plenty of veggies. For me the lean protein is really a very easy eating style. It stops my hunger and I don't have any cravings. Remember me, the carb aholic?  The protein curbs that craving.

The other part of this is dropping the diet soda. Done it so many times! Not good for me at all. The big motivator there will be whitening my teeth. Right now they look the same color as the soda...... hmmm, wonder why.

Once I get there, will need to slowly change my eating to incorporate more fruits and more veggies. Will cross that bridge when I get there.

My biggest enemy is myself. I am changing that. My biggest supporter is me! It has to be me.  When I think that way, when I know I can be as good, am as good as the important people in my life think I am, I accomplish incredible things! That other person, the one always telling me what a failure I am, that other person is gone!

So....... who are you listening to?

By the way, if you have someone in your life that is always pulling you down, they are NOT your friend. The biggest person in my life that did that, sad to say, was my own mother. Try to do something about THAT one! I had to accept that she is sick, she can't help herself. She removed herself from my life, turned out to be a pretty big favor. For you, for whomever is that negative person in your life, start by understanding they are not right, they are not your friend and they do NOT want the best for you. Get that in your head and start listening to those who see how incredible you are. If you don't see anyone like that in your life, you need to change who is in your life. It will be worth it.

So I think I am soooo tough!

OK, let's get this out of the way, 194, another eventful week.

My husband Ron has been gone a couple days and will be back today. He has been missed.

I was really quite shocked at how lost I was without him. Even just knowing he was gone left me feeling alone and sad. It was even my idea! Let him go down and help Sarah with her new baby (yes, he is a rare and fantastic man that can handle an infant!). And I would stay home and handle any Real Estate activity that may come up over the weekend. Ron was good with that too, prefers the baby over strangers.

He has only been gone two other times in our married life. I have been gone countless times and Ron always stays home and handles EVERYTHING! He only left Friday, so that is just a total of 3 days, not even three whole days.

Having lost my father at 10 years old, I have always known how fragile life is and how quick your life can change. I also tend to look at scenarios, always trying to be ready, planning 50 different options and what I would do under each one. I am a "thinker", I tend to freeze in a new situation, so the years have taught me to think and plan ahead so I can react quicker. This has really served me well multiple times.

But I missed him. I knew he would be home soon. I talked to him several times. I still missed him. My rock was not home. I depend on him for so much. He is my rock. Is my foundation, is my life. I was depressed, lonely, sad. Pitiful!

So do I know that if something happens to him that I would be OK, survive, continue? Yes. Am I, who looks at all those scenarios really shocked by how lost I felt? YES! It was only 3 days for Pete's sake!

I would survive. As would Ron. I would grieve, as would Ron.

So first to all of you who have lost your "Ron", you have my condolences, my prayers and my admiration. I knew it was tough, just got a tiny reminder of just how tough.

For all of you that still have your "Ron", take a minute and let him (her) know how much they mean to you. You will never regret all the times you told them how much they meant to you, never.

Want to lose weight? Let's do it!

Yesterday I saw a friend I had not seen for some time. A couple years ago she lost a great deal of weight and looked and felt great. I don't know how she did it, but she gained it back really fast. She told me how good I looked and she sounded very sad.

I understand that sadness. Wanting something like not weighing 255 pounds and not thinking it will ever happen or that I could do it.  I am up again today, 189. I am thrilled with that!

I want to help you lose weight. You have to want to do it too for it to work.

Several main points have helped me this time. They are critical. I will be covering all of them over the next few days and longer.

You can follow me publicly on this blog, I think you need a gmail account to follow. Or you can just read. Or you can email me too.

I don't think it will work too good without you following me publicly or emailing. That has to do with accountability.

No charge for this. Nothing to buy, no multi level group to join.

My email is Lani@ida.net. Or join and let's get started!

Rewards for the good

186.5 Well, not really. I have found that if I am mostly good, eat what I should most of the time, a little indulgence is not bad. Yesterday my Sweet husband came home with a large bag of Doritos. I had several handfuls. I would have had more, but walked outside for a minute. When I came back I saw a very guilty looking Doberman quickly exiting my office. I went in to find that the space where the Doritos had been, was the cleanest it had likely ever been!

This is a new low. But not for long.

Have a great day! We are expecting our 20th Grand child today...induced labor. Everything looks great. All prayers are appreciated.

Half by Half

188.0. Another half pound and I am where I was several weeks ago.... That is OK, still heading the right direction and even if it takes a couple years, took me longer than that to get here!

I really need to start exercising. I need to because it is an extra level of incentive. I don't fall off the eating right wagon if I am also putting in physical effort.

It should be very encouraging to all that I am where I am without any exercising and really with passive effort! I do know that even just walking, without losing another ounce, would drop me a minimum of 1 pants size in 30 days. Hmmmmmm sounds like an idea.  I will let you know how it goes!

Thought of the Day:
When someone is really rude, short, just plain unpleasant, imagine them as a 3 year old throwing a fit over something. Usually, with a possible exception of language, you will notice a lot of similarities! Seeing that almost always helps you walk away laughing (maybe just to yourself), instead of letting it ruin your day. Too bad you can't send them to time out.

Is Cookie Cream Ice Cream eating healthy?

188.5. OK, frustrating day and just felt like getting something. So I went to the store for a half gallon of ice cream. Half was $3.68, but you could buy 2 for $5.00!....  I am not sure why, knowing in my brain that $3.68 is less money than $5.00, I still chose to purchase 2 halves so I could "save" money, but I did.

And of course, I planned on just having a bowl. I want to share two important truths with you. The first is, if it is in the house, I will eat it. The second I need to preface with the fact that I hate solid hard ice cream. I much prefer it mushy and soft. I accomplish this by setting the ice cream in the microwave for 15 seconds.  The second truth is if you are distracted and let the microwave go for a full minute.....you now have ice cream soup. And as a special bonus, truth #3 is, ice cream soup still tastes the same as normal ice cream, just not as cold.

In spite of my huge transgression, I stayed the same. I expect tomorrow to be better.

So what can I do today to make someones day a little brighter? I will start here.

Wherever you are, whatever you challenges, today YOU can make progress with them.

You can stop here if you want. I am going to share someones story that is very inspirational to me.

*********************************************************************************

I have an incredible lady in my life that has inspired me for the majority of my life. I am not naming her because I don't have permission to, have not asked.

She has MS. Has had for quite some time. MS is a progressive neurological disease that destroys people and peoples lives.

She works 60 to 70 hours per week and that does not count her 3 hour commute time each day and she typically works 6 days a week.

Since being diagnosed, she has been uplifting to others finding out they have this horrible disease. She typically says something along these lines: "Fantastic! It was not something worse. The hardest part is over because now you know what you have and there is no more fear of the unknown. And you can be grateful for for that!"

She has had multiple "flare ups". This is where the disease shows up and takes something from you. It can be the ability to walk, feel, talk, see, always something. Sometimes you get most of what you lost back, sometimes not. She has never felt sorry for herself for very long. Always picks herself back up and fights back.

She has worked when she could barely see. She has worked when she could not use her hands enough to even get dressed, yet she figures out ways of propping a pen in her nearly useless hand and learned to write left handed as that hand had more control than her right hand. People at her job don't even know what she has. She always comes up with a reason for whatever is going on.

This would be big enough, what I have already told you. But there is so much more. She is the most generous person I have ever met. Completely selfless. If someone needs something, she helps, giving all she has, giving her best, giving things she may not even have.

Once she heard of a woman who had saved a long time for a new TV, like a couple years. Then shortly after getting this, someone broke into her home and stole it. My lady took some rewards she had been saving from her job for something for her family,  and went down and purchase a brand new big TV for this woman and delivered it to her door. It was a much nicer TV than she had sitting in her own home. She did not even know this lady. This example is far from unusual for her and is just what she does. The only reason I even know about this is I happened to go by her home when the huge box was sitting in her living room prior to them delivering and setting it up. Otherwise, I never would have even known.

I could go on and on. She could go on disability, refuses to do that, it is for "people who really need it". She is honest beyond belief. And she will fight for what is right no matter what the consequences are. Sometimes that means she has to go up against much higher people in her job to fight for someone that has been in some way wronged. Nothing stops her.

She reminds me of a wolverine. In that she is small, fearless. Once she starts something, she won't let it go, it will be accomplished! She has backed down people much larger than herself who were being threatening to others physically. And she has done it when it meant standing up to a superior at work or saying something in a huge meeting about a policy that is wrong. Totally fearless.  That is really wrong. It is not that she has no fear or does not understand the possible consequences, it is that she does not let that knowledge stop her.

And maybe the best of all, and yes there is more, is her kindness. She has a heart that is even softer than it is generous. She is so kind hearted. If there is someone in need, they seem to find her. People just know. Complete strangers tell her their life story. They pour out their hearts to her. She finds a way to comfort those in pain. She listen, she cares, she loves.

She is my inspiration. She is my Hero.

Now go have a good day.

188.5

Wow, a week of not caring, eating whatever, got me back to 193. Then two days of eating right got me back here. Glad I quit the nonsense so fast.

Did you read that? Not beating myself up, just going on. I think that is a major accomplishment. Even though I continue to go back and forth and am far from being rigid on my eating, I know I am handling everything better.

If I just jump off the healthy wagon, I will do it then get back on. Not wanting to keep this routine up and I don't think I will. What I am seeing is less of a desire (need, compulsion) to binge. Still happens. I am also seeing it last less time and it is easier to go back to where I need to be, want to be. In fact, eating better is becoming the habit instead of the exception. It also helps a lot that I don't beat myself up over that time, that failure. Not a failure, just a step in the process.

I will be 54 next month. If I really understand that it has taken me a lifetime of habits to get me to the high weight, expecting to change that for good, forever, in just a couple weeks or months, is really unreasonable.  I don't want to go back to where I was. So if I understand this is a work in progress for the rest of my life, I believe I will continue to improve.

What I am looking for is for the next 54 years to be healthy and for me to continue to improve. If I look at it long range like that, any little bump in the process is just that, a little bump. Not a failure.

The benefits:

1. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted and ashamed.
2. I have energy to do things that are important to me.
3. People tell me all the time how good I look! A bit embarrassing, but I will handle it!
4. My blood pressure this morning was 97 over 66, that is down about 20 points from where it rode at the higher weights. I at least have good genetics in that department.
5. I enjoy clothes shopping.

I think the biggest one, bigger and better than any I just listed is I feel good about me. Not just my weight, but me as a person. The sad thing is that I have always been a good person, but the weight and society somehow made me feel that I was not.

I know how a lot of people say "I am happy at this weight". I did. I lied. I lied to myself! I don't believe in the unhealthy super skinny starved version you see in the movies or magazines. What I am talking about is a healthy weight. I don't believe that is the charts either. It really depends on the person. You should be healthy. Blood pressure and sugar within healthy range. You should be able to move....maybe even run a step or two. You should have enough energy to live a life worth living.

Hey, go hug someone. If you can't, just smile at someone. It may be the only hug or smile they see today. And it may make their day better. It will make yours better.

I had fun!

191.5.  I had a wonderful weekend! Full of ice cream with magic shell toppings, french toast, peanut butter sandwiches with lots of jam, donuts and all manner of garbage! So 191.5 I feel very blessed about.

What is interesting this time is the lack of guilt. I am not beating myself up. That was fun, maybe even needed, now I can get back to my life, back to eating healthy and feeling better and go on with life.

I would not want to do that for long, this was long enough. I do actually feel much worse when I eat like that. Lethargic, sleepy, upset tummy and interesting enough, totally unsatisfied. Always looking for more to eat! So I ate a ton more food, WAY more calories and wanted more...more......I said MORE!

Totally new topic:
Went to Winco this weekend (a grocery store in case you are not from this area). There was a lady in front of me trying to use some type of card. Could have been  food stamps. She was in her 60's and had a baby under a year old. So not sure if she was sitting or it was a foster child or just what the deal was, but the card was not working. They had to call the manager repeatedly.  The entire delay took maybe 5 minutes. The store was packed, would have taken more time to change lanes than just to wait.  The lady was pleasant, as was the store clerk.

I had my 4 year old granddaughter with me, we passed the time with no problem.

The story is being related because of the two nasty people behind me. Now they were only there for about 3 minutes. All they could do was be rude and unkind. They complained about everything. I felt like I was between good and evil. They even made the poor clerk put back some deli chicken they bought because it was "cold" because they had to wait "so long". In spite of their nastiness, the clerk was kind, smiling and tried hard to be helpful. It did not matter, nothing mattered to these two. They were just ugly and nasty. They had a horrible dark cloud that surrounded them and they tried to drag everyone around them into it.

I have never understood that. Never understood why people have to be so mean about things. Why you would try to ruin someone else's day. I think these people are just so negative, all they can see is bad. Even beauty is somehow dark and ugly with these folks.

Have you ever noticed that there are people with every reason in the world to have a bad attitude. Sickness, family tragedy, natural disasters. Yet a big number of these people are grateful! They are grateful for their blessings, for tiny acts of kindness, for things not being worse. They often actually work to make others, often people much more fortunate than themselves, feel better and have a better day!

I am a long way from perfect. But I hope and pray that when people think of me, they think about how I made a difference for the good. Even if that good is only a smile or something very simple like that. I hope somehow I make someones burden lighter. Help them see something good and beautiful. I hope the same for you.

Mental addiction

187.0  Started at 214 January 2nd. That is 27 pounds! Notice how long it has taken. Not anywhere near the time it took to get to my high weight times.

I have to thank Sandi. There have been several times I thought....well, I can slide today, I have been really good. Then I think about my skinny daughter taunting me "Ha Mom, I won!!!!" and I am good another day.

It gets easier every day. Does not mean that sometimes I don't want to sit down with a box of Ding Dongs and just pig out. Problem is, my system use to tolerate that kind of abuse because I had worked up to it over the years. If I try something like that now, I am sick for a day or two. Makes you wonder what it has cost me all those years.

I still don't understand fully why those temptations are still there. Or why I give in to them.  I feel better when I eat right. I feel better physically and emotionally. Again, because it is not dieting, not starving or depriving my body of the needed nutrients, just eating healthy.

When I do give in, I know it is self destructive while I am doing it, I know what it will do and what I will feel like. Yet still I feel powerless to do anything about it.  I think at this point it is habit and a bit of mental addiction. That was always my comfort food. So even now, when there is no "comfort" in it, I still revert.  The good news is that it happens less and less.

Food: Breakfast was the spinach shake. Till dinner I was busy, so the day consisted of multiple diet cokes, lots of fresh veggies, water and oranges. A couple bananas.  So I just snacked all day. Then my wonderful husband made pork chops and veggies for dinner.

Mood: A little stressed. Lots of things going on right now. But Paisley our Granddaughter is here and keeping what is important in life, in the front of our minds.

Exercise: Someday.

Homework: Be the reason someone smiles, even if it is just because you smiled at them.

Slow but steady

188.0

Not bad. Another half. Even better considering I drove to Logan Sunday, painted a room for about 12 hours. Got up Monday, did a little more and then came home with my 4 year old Grand Daughter.

Normally painting is also an eating activity for me. Not this time. I just had the normal meals. Also travel is difficult to keep eating correctly and hydrated. Managed to do both. Even so, I am very glad to see that half pound!

Paisley is going to be 5 in August. When you have the chance to have a grandchild without the parents for more than just a couple days, you learn many lessons. 1. There are reasons people should have children in their younger years, 20's as opposed to 50's.  Energy and stamina would be one of those reasons. 2. You are no longer young. 3. You are wiser than ever and incredibly stupid all at the same time. 4. Grandchildren, when you really listen, will teach you what is important in life. 5. Any child, regardless of their blood relationship, should be your grandchild.

When I was in my 20's, I was very tired a lot. Stressed, and all those other things young parents or just young adults are. I find I have more patience in some areas now. Things that would have annoyed me or made me mad, I laugh at or at least am amused. I find I have less patience. I don't tolerate rudeness or disrespect. In the last 30 years there have been some good changes in the way children are treated, keeping on track with those changes is important.

What I really like is the feeling I have when I have private time with the little ones, a trip to the store or out to feed the animals. I bask in their perceptions of the world around them. I enjoy answering their questions (most of the time). There is a sense of what is really important (the children) and a sense of what is right with the world. They put purpose and joy in just about everything. Simple and mundane tasks become great mysteries to be explained and examined. They bring "wonder" back into your life.

We will have Paisley for a couple weeks or whenever she gets homesick, whatever happens first. While she is here I look forward to horse lessons and life lessons (for me).

Take a minute today and listen to a little child. Not just the words, but the spirit. It will bring wonder back into your life too!

All about eating!

188.5. HA! Take that Sandi! you may be 22 years younger than me, but I am going to beat you!

We have a bet, extra motivation for us. Whoever loses the most weight by May 31st gets bragging rights. And when it is your kids, that is the best bet of all.  I was 194 the day we started, that would be 5.5 pounds! Gives me a little extra motivation to keep on track.

All about the food.  All about having my head on straight. I can't be feeling deprived if I don't eat the chips or whatever. I need to know it was my choice and I am happy about it. My choice for my health. My choice for my life. If I am dieting and avoiding that stuff, it is a punishment and I will FAIL!!!  If it is a decision that I am happy about, I will succeed, even if I falter at times. And that is exactly what is happening.

I am NOT dieting. I am eating healthy. I am not restricting how much I eat. That is a big deal to me. I need to not feel restricted. I can eat all I want of what I want. I just need to want the right stuff. I am not hungry.

I feel like I have found the greatest secret of all times! I know I have heard it many times before, it just never sank in.

The other part of this is I really needed to find what would work for me with my lifestyle and schedule.

Normally for lunch I try to take about a 3 oz piece of steak that we have cooked up on the weekend. We put them in ziplock bags and freeze them. By lunch they are thawed and I warm them up and just eat that. It works for me. That kick of protein gets me through the afternoon with plenty of energy and no thoughts of food at all.

That does not always work. At times I forget or I have a lunch appointment. In those cases, I have a salad usually. Point is, I always have a plan and a backup plan. The fridge at home is filled with salad stuff. We try to make up a huge bowl just of salad greens each week and then just add shrimp or whatever when we want that salad during the week. Quick and easy. And the salad does not get yucky with all the other stuff in it.

I do eat pork, chicken, beef, eggs and a small amount of cheese at times.  I also have lots of other veggies and fruit. I don't eat canned fruit, just fresh if possible.

Today is very busy and running in the car all day. LOVE working I really do. I do need to make sure I have water in the car and that I have veggies to munch on all day. May take a banana too.

The other thing I have noticed is when I "dieted", I was totally obsessed with food. Doing this, I am not. I am not stressed. I know even if I don't take something with me, I can find something. And even if it is not perfect, I am doing so well the majority of the time that it does not matter.

So three important points:
1. You have to get your mind into your health. Without this first step, it is a deprivation diet and you will fail. With it, you can't fail. Might have setbacks, but you will succeed.
2. You cannot starve, under calorie or deprive yourself. Your body needs food to keep you healthy. No reason to do this unless you end up healthier. If you feed yourself what you need, the cravings will go away.
3. Do what works for you and plan ahead. Takes out most of the temptations and makes it easy.

Have a great day!

Trying on Jeans

189.0. Even at 2 days, it makes me smile. Would have smiled more at 188.5. We always want more don't we?

OK, the pants have gotten more baggy even with drying them in the dryer. (tears of grief, not) so decided to go again to try on jeans.  I am loving being in the "average" size area, still out of habit, have to stop myself from entering the Woman's size area.

I tried on 4 pair and it taught me a lot.
#1. I do not like anything that says "curvy". That means, it is tight and form hugging. If you do not want your tushi accentuated, do not pick these jeans. Not only that, they have all these jeans with crystals on the back pockets....reminds me of the reflective vehicle signs "Caution, Wide Load". I have seen them on quite skinny girls, cute I guess. If I looked like that, I might think they were really cute. Not for me.
#2. Somehow in most jeans I now wear a "short". Not sure how losing weight shortened my legs. The jeans I have on now are longs.
#3. I am a 12 in some jeans, clear up to a 16 in others and in still others, the largest they make is a 16 and no way will that even start to fit. So size has nothing to do with size.

Lesson learned: Size does not matter!!!! Well at least the size marked on the jeans. I now know I have to try on anything I buy, cannot trust the size marked at all.

I bought the jeans that looked the best, straight legged, non form hugging, not low riding crystal pocketed. In fact it was the ones I have worn for quite some time, but it was in a 12.

I am wearing a black turtle neck shirt today. I use to love turtle necks. Then I did not like them for a long time unless I had them covered up. Well I could wear this today without a jacket and it looks nice. Not perfect, but nice.  I am going to wear a jacket today because it is 33 degrees, snowing and I am cold, but I would not have to.

Food: Yesterday was a crazy day and very busy. I had the shake for breakfast. Lots of diet pop. Raw veggies all through the day as snacks. There was no time for lunch, just lots of snacks. Also a couple banana's. Then for dinner, broccoli and pork chop, tasted really good. And oranges after dinner. Lots of water, whenever I thought of it.

Homework: See if I can make one person have even just a little better day.

Depression: I feel on the edge at times. I know that it is so easy to fall in. I keep pulling myself out. Much easier to do when you are just on the edge. Very much the difference of just swimming out of a pool or trying to swim out of a rip tide.  Both are possible, one is much easier. The rip tide, if you know how, is difficult but doable.

Have a great day! 

New Ground

Yahooooooo, Not the internet thing. 189.zeroooooo. Lowest yet.

Nothing like a "friendly" competition. Sandi, my daughter is working at the weight and health thing too. She hit a "stuck place" too. A stuck place is where you just get bored tired or stressed and stop eating right.  We both did it, the older one, multiple times.

So now we have a bet/contest. For bragging rights, who can lose the most from now till the end of May.  So after my pie eating wagon fall, I was 194. As of today, that is 5 pounds! Sounds impressive! Would be except I cannot tell you how many times in the last two months I have lost those same 4.5 pounds.  BUT NOT THAT LAST HALF!!!!!

The bet is helping. Last night when I was in my "eat everything in the house" mood, I just thought of Sandi and had water and oranges. Way better than chips, peanut butter, oatmeal with half a pound of ground sugar and so forth. I am amazed at how creative I can be to come up with carbs and sugar calories when we have so little in the house.

So I am back on the wagon.

Food:  Morning shake of spinach, strawberries, protein powder and water. I actually really miss this if I don't have it. I also take a handful of vitamins. And drinking something thicker like this makes that much easier than just water.

Lunch: We had a meeting at a Pizza place. Even the salad bar is not that good for me at this place. So I had a giant diet cola and refills. Seeing all that pizza everyone was eating was not easy. Then I went to my office and had my 4 oz steak.

Dinner was taco soup. I also snacked on oranges several times during the day, drank way too many diet cokes prior to noon and drank lots of water.

No exercise. Once this week is a start and that will improve.

Depression: It tried to slip in yesterday. I definitely felt some anxiety over multiple things that are going on. Sometimes I can't seem to escape it. But I worked very hard at good "self talk" and pushed on.  Feeling better today. We will see how it goes.

Today's Goal: Make a point to listen closely to someone who needs to talk.

I have worked very hard to be a good person. I know that sounds weird. I work hard because it would be very easy to let my problems set my mood and how I act. I want to be a very good person. I want to be the type of person that anyone would be very happy to call a friend. I want that not for friendships or awards or recognition, but because it is right and because it is who I want to be.

So I really need to think about things, decide up front that I want to not only care about people but "take action". Sometimes that action is just listening. Not fixing, not solving, not even commenting, just listening. It seems so simple, but not so simple. I am a "fixer", not giving solutions or suggestions is extremely difficult. My kids know this so at times when they just need to talk, they actually call and say this: "Mom, I just want to talk, I don't want you to fix it or help, just listen."  I am so glad they felt good enough about me that first they could talk and second they could say that to me.  The first few times it was like trying to not fall off a high wire! Balancing my mother mouth to keep it shut was beyond belief difficult!

Now I ask "is this a time you want me to just listen or to give suggestions?". And I am grateful both occur.  The other thing I try to remember to say to anyone is "these are just suggestions or ideas, you are the only one to know what is a good idea and what is not a good idea." I also say to people who are not my family "Remember, free advice is worth exactly what you paid for it".

I strongly believe that most people have the answers already. They just need to talk it out with someone. Sometimes I do have good ideas. I think one of my best strengths is the ability to look at something from all angles. And sometimes when you point out a new perspective to someone, they suddenly see their answer that was there the whole time.

Another thing that I as "fixer" find extremely difficult is that sometimes there is no solution, no answer. Now my very nature tells me that there is ALWAYS a way to make something better, if you work hard enough, it you think hard enough, if you pray hard enough, there is an answer. I was right. But not how I thought of it at first.

Sometimes the answer is just to live. The answer is in how you live with it.  Abuse is not something that this answer is for. Never is it the answer for abuse. But it can be for other things.

Homework assignment: Listen to someone. Stop and listen. Don't suggest, don't fix, just listen.

Have beautiful day!

Dreaded Exercise!

OK. Had company last night. Had Chocolate Silk Cream pie and apple pie. I ate both. In fact I ate a couple pieces of both. Therefore I did not face the scales this morning.

I woke up about 6, did everything I could then I realized that I need to .... exercise. I nearly talked myself out of it. Would have been very simple. Then I mentally kicked myself in the butt and told myself to just go out for a "walk". It is a beautiful morning! Far nicer than we have a right to hope for in April.

Could not find my walking shoes, another chance to forget it. Put on the old nasty shoes, some very dusty exercise clothes and out the door I went. I walked, not even fast. It really felt nice. It felt so nice that I sped up a bit. There was a couple that look 10-20 years older than me walking ahead of me. They were walking much faster than I was, so even my "faster" was not that fast.  Then pretty soon I started jogging. NOW my body and mind really went into shock! Wow, I did still know how to jog! (Not like I have ever "jogged", just that it was so slow it would be illegal to call it running) I went quite a bit further than I would have guessed I could go (thought was 5 steps). Then I just walked faster and would jog a short distance then walk again. Then slowed down and cooled off just before home.

Now understand the entire event took less than 30 minutes and was just a mile. And in my long ago past, a good brisk walk broke more of a sweat than this did this morning. The point is, I started. I enjoyed it. It was not a chore, torture, horrible. In fact, I enjoyed it! I know, shocked me too.

I promise you this would not have been the case at 255 or 230 and so forth. But it is the case now. Also, I did not go out and walk/run 5 miles. I walked one mile.

In 1989, at about 200 pounds, I got an incredible break. I got a job driving bus at the INEL. It paid more money than I ever thought I could earn at that time in my life. It also required that you wear a uniform... with a belt... and shirt tucked into pants......  I had 90 days of probation to not look like a chunky flabby apple with a belt.  I started eating just salads, even got to liking them. I started walking around the river 5 days a week,  2.3 miles I think.  I did not own a scale, but over those 90 days I went from about a size 20 pants (uniform size) to a 14 and got to about 170 pounds would be my guess. I did not look too bad! Over the next several months, I lost about another 10 pounds and was wearing a size 12 of those wool, very expensive uniform pants. I was 31 years old. And the sizes were smaller and those uniform pants ran small, that would be about an 8 now. (Not sure, but let me have my fantasy) I looked pretty darn healthy. And I felt really good.

Had I continued, I would be a very healthy weight today, not the case.

The biggest point is that it was a combination of things that got me there. First eating right. Without that, I could not have exercised and even with just exercise, I would not have lost what I lost or felt how I felt. Second, eating right. Going on some stupid fad would not have had me feeling good or being healthy. And third, exercise. That toned my body, increased muscle, helped me feel good. And a HUGE thing was this: If I work this hard, no way am I going to mess it up with a Chocolate Silk Cream pie! Just like a 3 legged stool, each of the 3 was needed and each of the three supported each other.

Three? Bet you think I can't count! Nope, that is how important eating right is. And really there are two parts to the eating right. One, the right "things". And two, the right amount.

Eating right? Tons of books, theories, studies and so forth and I am not an expert.  I do know that it only makes sense that you eat a variety of food that includes a larger portion of veggies and fruit. You need protein and grains and other stuff. It seems logical to me to avoid sugar and processed stuff. Way too many chemicals, fats and other stuff you don't need, or don't need that much of.

Past that, past being reasonable, you need to do what will work for you. I also strongly believe that what is healthy for one, may not be for another. If for no other reasons, allergies.

I think you know you. What makes you feel healthy. Not comfort food. Not the stuff I curl up with a glass of milk and blankie and pout on the couch with. But what makes you feel good the rest of the day? What gives you the "real" energy to live your life? Not caffeine or other junk like that (says the cola addict).

Do some thinking, figure it out!

191.0 What a beautiful way to start a wonderful week! Nearly 80 degrees in April in Idaho! Wow. Last year we froze till June.  I guess we will enjoy the good and deal with the bad as it comes.

Today is my yearly check up. Just love it don't you? But today will be the first time in around 18 years that I will weigh less than 200 pounds! Also the first time I have looked forward to going in and stepping on the scale.  It is a nice feeling for a change.

It is really funny how we look at other people and look at ourselves.  I work with a very nice, pretty, slender young woman. Somewhere in my mind I pictured her as always slender, boy magnet in high school, perfect life! Because she is pretty, slender and nice.  Sometimes I wonder how shallow I can be. And then I find out.

Turns out that she has dealt with a weight problem and has worked quite hard to get where she is. I don't know the extent of that problem, if she was heavy in high school. Heck, and in high school what I considered fat on me, I would be beyond thrilled to even get near!

I get comments all the time now about how nice I look. I really appreciate them. The fact is, it is not that I look so fantastic, just that I look much healthier (thinner) than I have forever. So people comment. Had I weighed anywhere near where those lovely weight charts say I should, then gone to where I am now, people would say to each other, "wow, look how much she has gained". It would be the same size and weight, but different perspective.

New subject: When I was growing up, it was considered an "art" to be witty and sharp with your tongue in my family. In other words, insult people but "smartly". I realize now that was a defense on the part of my mother, a protection for her because she felt so inferior and defenseless.

If you practice something like that, you get quite "good" at it. I was good at it. Funny, it never made me feel good. One day after saying something quite mean to someone, and feeling like the horrible person I was, I realized how wrong that was. It was a huge realization. You know, I don't remember who it was, some boy. I do remember that I did not tell him I was sorry.

That day I decided to change. I decided to stop saying mean things. I would hope and like to remember that it was an instant transformation. But someplace in my memory is the fact that I slipped into old habits at times. It is entirely possible that I slipped a lot. I have learned that the memory can be very convenient. I hope that it is a slip that I never make now and have not for years.

I wish I could go to every person and tell them how wrong I was and how sorry I am. I would hope that they would stare at me blankly and not remember those awful comments. But there are some that were made to me that scarred me for life, and I may have done that to others.

I work very hard to be kind now. To help people see the good, the blessing, miracles, the sunshine. It is what I try to see too. Most people would say I am a very positive person, always happy. Just like my friend at work with her perfect life, things are not what they seem.

What is totally awesome is that each morning is a new day. With each dawn we have a new opportunity to improve, try to get it right again. Be someones smile, someones sunshine, someones kind touch. What an opportunity!

Some days it is a real effort. There can be such pain, such trauma going on in peoples lives. To take a small piece of that, even for a few minutes can be very exhausting. If I ever feel tired or sorry for myself in those situations, I think "wow, if it is that difficult for me for just this minute, how difficult for that person for all they have to deal with it".  Funny thing, even with the most searing pain, deepest depression, most horrible hurt that I have just listened, or just.... well really just not done much more than stood there. Even at the worst, it has never even come close to how horrible I felt all those years ago being so "smart" and so cruel to others.

It may not be obvious. But all those years ago I decided I wanted to say and do things to try to make everyone I meet, day go just a little better. It is not difficult. My rules are: 1. Always tell the truth. 2. Notice and mention something good. 3. Always tell people when you have heard others saying something positive about them, and usually I won't tell them who it was. Very simple.

I have learned that I also need to do that for myself. Are we not the hardest on ourselves? Do we not expect things of ourselves that we would never expect of others? STOP!

So assignment of the day: 1. Every person you have a conversation with today, find 1 thing good to say to them or about them. 2. Every time you say something nice to someone else, when you walk away, say something nice about yourself to yourself.

I will, will you?

Progress is sweet!

It is a beautiful morning, sun is shinning and winds are light, at least so far. And the scale said 190. Now if you look at yesterday, that is up half a pound.  So why is that good? Well because I was not well the day before and figured I would be up more just from regaining hydration. Since I did not, it means a true weight loss.

The other deal is once again, I know I am getting in position for a weight loss period.  I don't really get why I have these cycles. They are not the plateaus that you always hear about. Those are when you continue to work at it but don't make any progress. What happens with me is I "fall off the wagon". Go back to not great habits or whatever. The good thing is even those periods are shorter and not as severe.

So here I am, ready to conquer the 180's. If I were to check back, I think that means I really did nothing progressive since February. I know no one is really keeping track....but that would be losing nearly 2 months! (Notice I did not check, approximate is good enough for my failures or lack of progress).

Progress is sweet. And here we go again.

I like the quote "You only fail when you stop trying".  So I may have "rest" periods, but I will never fail!

What will you do today that is another try? What will you do today that may be your victory? What COULD you do today, that you might be afraid of failing at, but you might find you succeed at?

I am learning a little more all the time that there are no true great victories, only great little steps that we learn to be consistent with.

Give someone a hug. Look in the mirror and say "I am a wonderful and good person".

I will.

Victories, take them where you can find them!

189.5 today! Yea!!! OK. Yesterday was the most stress I have had in many years. And I paid for that stress. I forgot that could cause a very uncomfortable day! Anyway, the weight may be temporary, but I am on my way.

We made an offer on a home. It is far away (from my house, not leaving area). And it needs years of work. Without going into details, sometimes change is necessary. The offer has not been accepted and we made our best offer. Ron is hoping it won't be.... So we will see.

It is hard to leave a place that you have worked so hard on. We have lived here since 1990. And it is nearly perfect for what we wanted. Not so perfect for our future.

In God's hands now. We will trust in him.

FANTASTIC!

Imagine that! Eat how you should and away goes the weight! 192 today. A whole half pound. But down! It is after 10 pm and I have been going since 5 am this morning! I love it! this is why I am a Realtor, I thrive on busy!

However, the downside is I did not do so well today, so we will see what the scale says tomorrow.

Bedtime.

Change

It is always so difficult to report nothing. 192.5.  But that is reality. Especially if you don't make any changes.

Yesterday I just floated along, no exercise, no big changes to eating. The results show it. No change. Hmm, have to change to have change. What a concept!

One of my daughters is on her own journey. She has lost over 20 pounds and is closing in on my weight. Annoying since she started just a couple months ago. And exciting since I want her to pass me, but I want that when I am making progress!

A good friend of mine lost her mother yesterday after many years of battling with cancer. Her mom lived with her and was a huge part of her life. She was not old. Cancer took it's toll, but she was not old.

My friend knew it was time for her mom to go home, for the suffering to end. She has a huge hole in her life, one that will be painful for the rest of her life.

What a blessing to love someone so much that you miss them so much. Odd way to look at it I know. I guess it is my way of welcoming the pain and putting a use to it.

My father died just before my 11th birthday. He was killed in an accident, 37 years old. The world would call him my step father. Wrong, he was and is my father. That was nearly 44 years ago. He inspires me and is missed greatly still to this day. I am so glad.

My "real" father died a few years ago. I don't even remember the date. I cried when I found out, months after he died. I cried not because of him, but because of what was missed. I cried because there was no reason to cry. He had many children. None that I am aware of mourn his death. None miss him. He left destruction in every life he touched. He is not missed.

I am so grateful for the pain of the loss of my father. I am so grateful that I knew that love. He is missed by many and all of his children.

Now I ask you, what man caused the most pain? Which man would you want in your life?

Who will mourn you when you leave?

What a blessing to be such a good person that you would be missed. What a blessing to know and have in your life people that you miss. Thank you Lord for this pain, Thank you for giving me such people in my life that I understand it.

I have to add this final thought. People that are loved never leave. I hear my fathers sayings still to this day. When I am with my siblings we always bring up what he would say or think in different situations. My father-in-law passed away 4 years ago. I had him longer than my father. He is so missed. But nearly daily things will come up that either my husband or I will bring up what dad would say! He is still with us.

Now go hug someone.

Ready to begin again....

OK, I am ready to begin again. Sometimes that is pretty frustrating. 192.5 today.  I guess I should cut myself some slack. So WHAT that I am not down more, I am also not UP more! I guess every day is a new beginning. At least that is what I have felt my whole life. Good Morning World and welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! That just makes you feel good.

Pet peeve: I have never thought it was fair that when you have an accomplishment, it only seems to count right then. Graduate 1st grade, hurrah! Hurry up and start 2nd. Win a gold medal, next week you are a has been and old news, same with #1 songs or box office or whatever. Those poor folks are has beens almost immediately and they are not supposed to age or gain weight! Man! Glad I am only me! 

Feel the same way about house work, it never ends and always needs done. The one exception is mowing the lawn. When you finish mowing the lawn it actually looks "done" for at least a day or two. Someone might really notice that it was done and does not need done right away. I never really liked mowing the lawn, but I loved finishing and taking a minute and enjoying it being "done"! Dishes, laundry, dusting and everything else, they are never done. And you only notice when they need done, not when they are done.

Somehow that never seemed fair. I ride horses. I have in the past worked hard at attaining certain goals. Then I would show someone and it was the same, good, what is next????

Let's take just ONE MINUTE and acknowledge what we have accomplished! Feel good about it. There was a talk given at the October LDS Conference. I don't remember who it was. But I totally remember the talk. He talked about taking is 8 or so year old daughter and 12 or so (notice my attention to detail) on a climb of a mountain. It was one you could walk, but it was still quite an undertaking. There were two wonderful points from that talk. One, they stopped often to rest and not only marveled at what they had left to accomplish, but turned around and marveled at what they had already accomplished. (You will have to find the talk for the 2nd point).

I loved that. I always see the Mountain. I am getting better at looking at what I have accomplished.  Don't get me wrong. I am very much someone planning for the next thing and my next project and always looking forward. Just sometimes, it soothes the soul to turn around and look back.  See what you have truly done and how very far you have come. I am sure it is impressive.

So I am ready to begin again. 192.5. The truth is, even if I bounced around that weight, it is so much better than the 255 I was at 45. Or the 230 I was last year. That is 62.5 pounds from my highest. 37.5 from last fall.  Wow! That is pretty impressive! Hey! I did good!!! Wow! I carried 25 pounds of salt in a couple weeks ago, that was heavy especially if I carried it for long. And yet my poor body carried over 60 pounds more than I have right now for a very long time.  Wow, I have done pretty darn good!

AND I am ready to do more. I am ready to start climbing the mountain to the next resting spot.

So, what in your life can you "turn around and look at what you have accomplished"? Give yourself a minute or a day to reflect on how far you have come. On how much you have accomplished, how much good you have done.

Another thing I have noticed, most people really and unfairly discount what they themselves do. STOP!

I don't care if it is weight, education, changing diapers, not losing your temper or doing the dishes. Stop. Take a look at what you have accomplished today, last week, this year, decade, this life. Give yourself some credit.

OH, this is good too! Pick one person today that has impressed you in any way, made a difference in your life or you admire. Just ONE person. Call them, text them, email, write or talk to them today..... Tell them. Then tell me (or not) what doing that did for them and for you. It is better than chocolate I promise.

Carb Addiction

194.5 Have you noticed the "progress" is all in the wrong direction? Well the truth of the matter is I have been on an eating binge and when I stepped on the scales this morning, I truly expected 200.  Last night we took my son to dinner for his birthday and I had a steak and fries and 3 scones and I think I might have also eaten a napkin.... Well it felt like I did.

That caps 3 days of a huge bowl of oatmeal with about 1/4 cup of brown sugar each night (no not kidding). Not to mention several pieces of toast each night loaded with butter, sugar and cinnamon or butter and jam.  That does not even count the package of chocolate bars I have in my desk at work. Carb addiction!

Are you getting the picture???

This is my pattern. This has happened over and over and over again throughout my life.  The real difference this time are YOU! People are watching. If I don't write something they notice. If I do write something, I can't lie, because I am really just lying to myself.

So how do I start again? It is so easy, it truly is, when I have my head on straight. It is not a struggle. Then there is that slip. That carb....whatever it is, and I am on a binge once again.

Hmmmm. "Truly" must be the word of the day. As I read this it almost sounds like I am using the carb addiction thing as an excuse to do what I do. I don't think so. I hope not. It is an acknowledgment that I have a problem and I need to understand it and deal with it. Not use it as an excuse, understand it and figure out how to handle it.

If you don't have this issue, it must sound crazy. It should be easy to stop, easy to not keep stuffing your face. I will not even be hungry. I won't even like the taste of what I eating! Still I do it.

Once again is the knowledge that I can't start. I can't just have one. I have to stay away from it. And I have to get my mind in such a position that it is my idea, my desire and NOT a punishment or being deprived.

I feel so different when I am on a binge. Not good. Not healthy. Certainly not happy with myself.

So today is not about progress, it is about starting over again.... At least I am doing it before I gain 40 pounds back. I need to make it ONE day. Then I will worry about what to do next.

192 & Cheating

OK, not really cheating. Because .... well, not dieting. But I am not eating the way I should be. The kids are here for another few days and I have a miserable cold. Or a cold that makes me miserable. Blahhh. Anyway, had waffles this morning. So I would imagine that within a day or two my indiscretions, of which I am not fully disclosing, will become evident. That is OK. Plan to get back to the program on Monday and just chill for a couple days.

What is very interesting is that every time I do this, every time I give in to old patterns and habits, I feel terrible! And it is not just about the cold and lack of sleep.

My body has been sending me messages for years. "You feed me garbage, we will feel like garbage." I just thought that was normal! When I eat correctly, the right foods and the right amounts, I feel really good!

Notice what I wrote because it is critical: "When I eat correctly, the right foods and the right amounts, I feel really good!"

Habits can be a big issue. Even though my brain and what I have experiences tells me the rewards of eating well are huge, I am still at times (like under stress or feeling sick) drawn to the old habits and "comfort foods" and lots and lots of empty, sugar and starch carbs.

The other thing that I am very pleased about is that I am NOT dieting. When I have "dieted" in the past, I did not feel good. I was extra crabby. I was tired, hungry, deprived. That all led to some temporary weight loss. As soon as I was good and tired of all that, I went back to my old patterns and gained back what I had lost and generally some additional weight.

So even with what I am sure will be a slight gain, I know I am on the best tract to health. And I am happy.

192.5

OK I give up. No I am not stopping. But I do admit that when you have a house full of guests, even welcomed and much loved guests like Grand kids and kids.....concentrating on eating well enough to lose weight after already losing over 65 pounds total......not working!

I like writing 65 pounds, it is true, from my highest weight.  From October it is only 32.5. Still, pretty darn good.

New Reality: When traveling or having guests, it is a major accomplishment to not gain more than a couple pounds. It is HUGE when you don't gain any. And SUPER HUMAN if you happen to lose weight as my daughter did when she was visiting last week.

Sandi made us all kinds of goodies when she was here. They were all very healthy and great for my diet. Still, more than I would have eaten had she not been spoiling us.

Sarah and 3.7 babies are here till Sunday. Plus it is Easter this weekend. Sarah also has been spoiling us with all kinds of wonderful and healthy meals.

As for me, I have done extremely well. Not "Greatest Loser" type well, but for most humans, pretty darn good. The Reality (word of the post) is that I am past the point where the pounds just fall off because I am not being as bad as I have been in the majority of my life. At this point, for multiple reasons, I need to start exercising and really work on what I am eating, in a healthy and sustainable way.

So I am giving myself permission to "coast" till we are once again "kidless" and "Guestless". That will be Monday April 9th. If at that time, I am below 195, it will be a great accomplishment! Then I will start and get to the next level. For me, that will be 180 or less.

I don't know if you recognize what a really important thing has just happened. I just now did. Weight is not the most important thing in life, it is just part of life. I have given myself permission to be a person and not just a number. FANTASTIC!!!!!

Have a great day! Comments are appreciated.

193

OK, I am getting a cold. Went shopping for cold stuff. Left $120 poorer plus 4 (yes 4) of the regular sized Reeses cups. Greg caught me but he only thought I ate 2!  Haaaaa. Of course, the scale tomorrow will tell the truth.  Sometimes you just don't care.

193

Oh the joys of the yo yo. I would love to say that I did not deserve that number. ..... .....

Food: I snacked all day. No real meals. Nothing really bad... wait, like 3 P&J sandwiches. Plus lots of other stuff.

Exercise: Nothing great. Lots of moving furniture and running stuff up and down stairs. Enough to make you walk and move like a frail 80 yr old (as I know some 80 yr olds I could not keep up with).

Mood: Pretty good. Just tired. Appreciating a husband who not only tolerates but supports me. I am very lucky in that the depression is not the norm. Well it is. At least cycling through it is. But there is more time out of it than in it. It truly does make me appreciate the times it does not exist. And when it is there, it is miserable.

What is so ironic is that it is only recently that anyone knew I had this. And only because I have been more open about it. I found that is the case with many people who suffer from this. In fact, most people would tell you that I am "always in such a good mood!". Well, maybe not my husband and kids. I have also learned that is the case with a fairly large percentage of the "functioning depressed". They (I) am very good at keeping up an appearance even when things are very dark. People might not see someone depressed as much, they may stay to themselves more. But they (I) manage to appear quite happy. And not just "OK", but happy.

I smile as I read what I just wrote. It has not been all that long that I had a label for what has been going on most of my life. So I did not "know" I had depression either. People with depression often just feel "useless, lazy, tired, no good" and just about any other negative thing you can think of.

People who have never had it rarely understand. The most common thought is "just get going", "just get over it" and many other things along those lines. They just don't understand. And that makes it very difficult on everyone.

I someone you know can't seem to get motivated, can't seem to get started, they may be suffering from depression. There are tons of symptoms as it varies for individuals. Some commons ones are: weight gain or loss, lack of motivation, loss of interest in things they use to like, excessive sleeping, unable to sleep, absence from work or school, unable to focus. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Substance abuse can start to try to self medicate and it makes all the symptoms worse.

If you know someone who has some of these changes, you can talk to them. Sometimes just knowing that something is truly wrong and they are not worthless really helps.  More symptoms can be found on the internet. Also treatments. Medication can be and sometimes must be part of it. But there are other things to do. The main thing is to help. And your help may not be, likely will NOT be appreciated.

Oh, if someone seems way too happy out of character, that too can be a symptom, a way of trying to keep the secret.

See why this is so difficult? The good news is that it can change, usually will change with time and especially with help.

191.5

Yea! Now only 2 pounds to get to where I have already reached and gone back up twice! Pretty much March was a yo yo month that saw no real progress. WAIT! Not true! I have broken a cycle! The cycle was "lose weight and gain every once plus some back". Is not happening this time! It is a slow but sure progress to health!

Food: Fried Egg. I really miss the shake when I don't have that for morning. It is just easy, makes it easier to take vitamins. In fact, I normally don't take any if I don't have the shake. Plus it gets me a very healthy start for the day.  I had 3-4 diet cokes. Not nearly enough water. Lunch was left over veggie lasagna and dinner was an entire can of Nally's Chilly. Not kidding. Plus I had a banana and 2 oranges.

Exercise: no. I did spend about half the day moving furniture upstairs and downstairs and doing all kinds of work. So no real healthy exercise but I was very active.

Mood: Good. Working on Real Estate and making some changes at home.

Thought of the day: It is not about losing weight, not about the food. It is about having a good life.

Have a fantastic day!

Up Again

192.5 Blahhh! Well, it happens.  Can't tell you I did anything wrong or different. It is part of the process.

Food: Breakfast-Green Shake. Couple oranges, 1 banana I think. Lunch was a bean hamburger patty and a couple of strawberries. Dinner was veggie lasagna. Had some grapes too. And let's not forget the diet coke.

Exercise-What is your best guess?

Mood: Tired but good.

Have a great day!

192

192.0 Seems pretty boring. Not nearly as boring as going up or not moving!

Grand kids are here along with my daughter that has been doing all the fantastic cooking. The one yr old, Vander, is cutting a tooth and has been running a fever. The 3 yr old got really sick too with congestion, cough and fever. So she was up a lot last night crying. 10:30 PM found me heading to Walmart for sick supplies (always worse at night). So it was a very late night.  The kids are doing better today.

I did pretty good too. The tendency was still there. I mean after all, it was 11:30 pm and I was at Walmart and the candy bars where right there at the register. I also ended up going all over the store for things I have not needed to find for decades. So I passed my biggest challenge, those pink and white frosted animal cookies, in convenient displays, all over the store.  I PASSED without touching!  It was still a temptation, but easier than Monday.

Food: Two fried eggs in the morning. I left at 6 am and the blender would have woken the kids. I had several oranges and I think 3, maybe 4 bananas throughout the day. I had 4 oz of meat for lunch along with one of those bananas. Dinner was 2 whole wheat English Muffins with Turkey salami and tomatoes and other stuff, kind of a low cal personal pizza, courtesy of Sandi. (Our little Chef is leaving today, if she got enough sleep to drive.)

Exercise: None. Unless you count driving all over.....none.

Mood: Yesterday was rough. Not because of depression. Sometimes life just happens. Sometimes dealing with life is just a bit tough. Like many people, we have things going on in our life that if we had our "rathers", would not be happening. And facing those challenges with honesty and making hard decisions is very upsetting. You want the "good" to continue. If you are lucky (insert blessed) enough to live a long life, what I considered good in my 20's will not be the good I see in my later years.

I will be very open here. But I will only be open with me personally and sometimes when my life involves others, I will need to not be specific. So I am not trying to be mysterious, just trying to be fair. I am blessed that my life is entangled with others. I would not have it any other way.

Really what I am talking about is just life and the progression of life. When I was 20, I could expect a certain level of health and physical ability. I was blessed to have that. 30 was a change, 40 and so on. Made worse by my personal choices. I am glad I did not make worse choices, but not happy with myself about the ones I did make.

Well I KNOW 53 is young. In fact, 93 is looking younger every day. The fact is, things are changing and we have things to face. Add to that changes in life like retirement, insurance, housing needs and so forth.

Yesterday was one of those days. Today is a new day. In fact, Today is my beautiful sisters 50th birthday! She will not read this or Facebook. But I celebrate her joining me in this fabulous decade! I truly am loving the 50's!  If you are not here yet, just wait, you will LOVE it!!!!!

193.0

193.0  That is half a pound. No sleep last night so I am surprised I lost any. Sometimes I get something in my head and it keeps me up all night thinking about it!

Food: I looked at what I had written down for the last post and it looked like I was trying to starve myself to death! Not true. I am not counting calories, but average 1200 to 1500 per day. I left off things like the stir fried mushrooms and peppers. It is hard to remember every single thing you ate! The spinach shake is a couple hundred calories and some great protein, fiber and all those vitamins that spinach and strawberries give you.  Yesterday I had the shake, 1 diet coke because I did not have any cash on me. About a 4 oz steak for lunch. 3 oranges, 2 bananas. Some fresh strawberries. And Sandi made an incredible veggie lasagna! It was pretty incredible. Man am I going to miss her when she goes home! So anyway, likely on the higher side of the calories yesterday.

Exercise: Mmmm, did not even "jump" to any conclusions. I will do what I can till all the kids are home and our life is back to boring Ron and I.

Mood: Pretty good. Getting a lot of energy and excited about work and play again. Also very excited about a couple new listings I have. Really Nice!

Reality Check: Had a friend talk to me about a new health drink. Sounded really good. People are losing weight, feeling better and ... well, you know all of it.

I thought about it. I KNOW I would lose weight and quickly. I am now and you see what I am doing. The point is, I want to CHANGE how I live and therefore, my weight for life. If I am on the next great drink or diet or fad, it WILL work! But only until I go back to my "real" life and old habits and that will happen.

So that was the decision I started with and I am sticking with. The general idea is stay away from as much processed stuff as I can. Stay as close to the "original" product as possible. That is the basic plan. I eat more veggies than anything else. Fruit is next then protein.  Everything else is minimal. I take vitamins and minerals because on any given day I am likely short on something. However, it won't be anything to do with green veggies!

You already know I fall off the wagon and gain. I was down to 189.5. I will get there and pass it again. The point is, I do better, feel better and am forming new habits. The bad times are shorter and inflict less damage.  I am 53. It took a long time to get where I am. It will take some time to get back to a healthy weight and for the first time in my life, eat healthily for life.

It is nearly 6:00 AM. Just so you know, it comes much slower when you fail to sleep, but it still shows up.

Have a great day and thank you for reading!

193.5 - 2 pounds!

193.5 This morning.  It actually kind of annoys me. When you do what is healthy and right, it just works. The annoyance is how many times do I have to have that lesson!

Food: Yesterday I started with my green shake, just a simple and fast breakfast. Had 3 diet cokes... for lunch I had a small (about 3 oz) steak that I warmed up in the microwave at work. We cook them on the weekend and then put them in baggies and in the freezer. Then I grab them on the way out the door.  Dinner were bean burgers courtesy of Sandi (going to miss her when she leaves!) They did not look too tasty but were. Throughout the day and in the evening I had about 6 small oranges, really small, about the size of a tennis ball. And I drink water throughout the day as I think of it.

Exercise...ya right.  Well see we have company.. Um, I played with the grandkids... Well I spent a couple hours outside walking around with the horse and the kids.  OK, that almost counts. At least I was moving.

Mood: Great! One of my favorite stories is of a lady in a rest home being interviewed on her 100th birthday. The reporter asked her about how she always seemed to be in a good mood even with medical issues and so forth and asked how she could always be so happy. The lady thought for a minute and said "Well, I pretend I am in a good mood till noon, and the rest of the day just takes care of itself!"  She was not suffering from depression but did have what all of us have to deal with, life. Sometimes we just need to move through it. Again, that is NOT talking about depression.

I was talking to Sandi about the weight thing. She is also losing weight, nearly 20 pounds at this point and feeling great! And she had an interesting and true comment. She said "It is easy, I have never really tried to lose weight before. I just was not willing to give up the things I wanted to eat because I liked it too much! Now, I want to be healthy and I know those things I loved to eat, were actually harming me."

She is my daughter. I had to have a change of thinking. Of what I thought was "good".

1 day 1 pound

195.5. Wow, yesterday was more difficult than I expected. I have been really eating everything in site and decided to go back to my "No Carbs!". Talk about addiction! Now understand, veggies and fruit have carbs and those I do eat. What I am talking about is bread, donuts, chocolate, lots of sugar and so forth.

So yesterday I had the green shake in the morning, chicken salad for lunch and Sandi (daughter) is visiting and made a very yummy Pumpkin soup for dinner. I also had a couple of banana's and a couple oranges.  I had to go to Walmart and was quite shocked at how difficult it was to avoid the cookies, candy bars and so forth. Kept thinking about them, kept wandering into those areas and really had to decide I did NOT want them.

The more I travel this road, the more I understand that for me, it truly is an addiction. And people with an addiction cannot be a "social drinker" or in my case, a "social carb eater". I don't stop. One simple thing leads to more and more. I know it sound stupid, but I find it nearly impossible to stop myself. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to admit a donut or candy bar has power over me??? At this point in my life, you would think I had a bit more will power than that.

The other part that is a continued revelation is I truly must over eat to maintain my heavier weight.  Yesterday I had 4 large bananas. Purchased at Walmart. Figured it was better than a chocolate bar. Any of you know that you should avoid, or at least go easy on the bananas! I had 4 large ones. Still lost an entire pound. Likely would have been more if I had skipped them all together.

Facebook - I miss posting on it. At least a couple people would "like" a comment. Felt less like I was talking to a wall, like maybe someone out there listened. There is not a "like" on this. So please comment! The goal was to help myself, but also others going through the same thing.  I stopped Facebook for this because my posts are so very long and I wanted to go even more into what was going on with this journey. Just did not feel like the right place to lay it all out on Facebook.

Depression - It has lifted. I still feel the effect. Mostly because I feel so much better, just not feeling so low. This is a pretty common routine in my life. When hormones were still a big factor in my life, this happened several times a year. Now not nearly so often. This one was slow coming on, but looking back I can see it started in December. That is when my daughter told us they were moving to Nampa. And she had the nerve to take her children too! 5 hours away. Very grateful it is not further. Other things piled on and it was more difficult to shake things off.

It got more and more difficult to function. To handle basic things. I did function, always handled everything that HAD to be handled. But no more. February I took a business trip. Found depression helps you be a total flake too! Lost my wallet (found it thankfully), forgot a lot of things that I should not have forgotten.

My poor husband, he sure deals with a lot. He never says a word. March things just kept getting darker and worse. I don't know why I don't see things as clearly when it is going on. It might help. I have taken an anti depressant in the past and it helped. But this has to hang on a very long time for me to go down that road.  It was getting close this time. I had actually thought of it, just another thing I did not get around to.

So what makes it lift? What makes it go away? No idea. Nothing I do. Nothing I don't do. It just happens. The only exception was the medication. I have read that studies show medication only helps very severe depression. Hmm. Placebo effect? Is my depression severe? I don't know.

Usually what happens is I get fed up and start doing SOMETHING! Just decide I have had it and am done. What I don't know is if that happens because I am starting to come out of it or if that makes me come out of it. I know all this already. And yet, in the middle of all this, I find it impossible to short circuit things and get out of it sooner. I don't have the answer.

What is encouraging to me, even in depression is the fact that I keep trying. I keep going. Sometimes that "going" is just existing through the day. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. I have become kinder to myself. Understanding that I am not "Lazy", "Worthless" or "No Good". This is an actual medical problem. I have allergies too, does not make me a failure. It helps that Ron does not condemn me.  He also does not "enable" me. I have to do things for myself. That saves me I think. Otherwise it would be way too easy to crawl into a dark hole and never come out.

Slow Start

196.5. OK, Slow start, but I did exercise. A few leg things, a little running in place and weights. PITIFUL! It is a start and that is more than I have done. I did get up at 7:30. That needs to improve and will.

Today the plan is to eat correctly again. I have mentioned before that carbs are like booze to an alcoholic for me. And just like that, I tend to go straight there when stressed or depressed. So I am actually quite happy I did not gain more than I did. And I am thrilled that I stopped as fast as I did. Improvements. Small, but still improvements.

I am still saddle sore. Not as enjoyable as when I was 8. It still makes me smile even as I hobble around first thing in the morning.