New Low

186 today. My daughter beat me on our bet, but we both still won in weight loss for this month. She lost 11 pounds, I lost 8, all of that in the last week. Some of it for the third time! I love losing weight so much that I gain it back so I can lose it again!!!

Working more on an Atkins type eating program to get me going again. It gives me more energy and curbs my appetite. The biggest difference between that and the way I would like to always eat is there is less fruit and less veggies for a couple weeks. You cut down on the ones with the higher carb content like corn and peas.  It is very important to eat enough. So I eat whenever I am hungry, several times a day instead of just 3 meals.

Today is my last diet coke too. Only had two small bottles yesterday morning, the little ones. Was rewarded with a monster headache last night. Can hardly wait to see how today goes.

I have been walking, did inside exercise today.  I have been riding my horses a little and LOVING it.

The funny thing is what your mind does to you. I am really only 2 pounds less than the low I have hit so far. But I feel very skinny! Again, all in context, skinny compared to where I was.

There are several very nice looking and VERY slender ladies at work. I need to be very careful NOT to compare myself to them. I would never come out on the positive side. They have a totally different body type than I do, not to mention still weighing about 50 pounds less than I do.

The fact is, I look good, the more clothes I have on the better.... I will be healthy and I will be in good shape and I will be very happy with how I look for me. I am.

Just because I am pleased, does not mean I am done.

There was a very very long time in my life that the only thing I liked about how I looked was the size of my teeth. No I am not kidding. Then I had some needed surgery done and it changed the position of my teeth and they looked tiny, in fact for about a year, you could barely see them even when I smiled. I was devastated. The only good thing, the only thing I could look in the mirror and like was taken from me.

I was in my early 20's and was under 160 pounds. Looking back I see a very insecure and nice looking young woman.

I feel better about myself now, 30 years older, many more wrinkles and 30 pounds heavier than I felt about myself then. So it really has nothing to do with weight or what you look like.

So today, look in the mirror and find something new about yourself that you really can appreciate.

Have a great day!

Almost cheating

I weighed twice this morning, will take the higher one so I am not so disappointed tomorrow. 190! Second weight was 189. Yesterday was 194.

That is a huge number for one day. It is that big because it was just added in the last week, so when I stop eating wrong, the body goes back to where it was.

Still, 4 - 5 pounds in 1 day. I will take it. Here is hoping tomorrow is at least 1 pound!

I walked one mile today. A good start. My goal is to add to that distance a little bit every day.

Time to move!

It is time to get this going. My birthday is June 25th, has been that day my whole life :) . This year I will give myself a gift. The gift is weighing 175 or less.

Since today I weighed in at 194, that is a pretty big commitment for 28 days. 19 pounds in 29 days. Not your typical healthy weight loss. So here is my justification. I figure at 194, about 6-8 of those pounds are really just what I ate this last week. That is because a little more than a week ago, I was at 188. So 188 to 175 is only 13 pounds and totally doable in 29 days.

Now I can't be laid back about this, will be exercising and going back to a very strict eating style for the next 29 days. More protein,  less fruit. Plenty of veggies. For me the lean protein is really a very easy eating style. It stops my hunger and I don't have any cravings. Remember me, the carb aholic?  The protein curbs that craving.

The other part of this is dropping the diet soda. Done it so many times! Not good for me at all. The big motivator there will be whitening my teeth. Right now they look the same color as the soda...... hmmm, wonder why.

Once I get there, will need to slowly change my eating to incorporate more fruits and more veggies. Will cross that bridge when I get there.

My biggest enemy is myself. I am changing that. My biggest supporter is me! It has to be me.  When I think that way, when I know I can be as good, am as good as the important people in my life think I am, I accomplish incredible things! That other person, the one always telling me what a failure I am, that other person is gone!

So....... who are you listening to?

By the way, if you have someone in your life that is always pulling you down, they are NOT your friend. The biggest person in my life that did that, sad to say, was my own mother. Try to do something about THAT one! I had to accept that she is sick, she can't help herself. She removed herself from my life, turned out to be a pretty big favor. For you, for whomever is that negative person in your life, start by understanding they are not right, they are not your friend and they do NOT want the best for you. Get that in your head and start listening to those who see how incredible you are. If you don't see anyone like that in your life, you need to change who is in your life. It will be worth it.

So I think I am soooo tough!

OK, let's get this out of the way, 194, another eventful week.

My husband Ron has been gone a couple days and will be back today. He has been missed.

I was really quite shocked at how lost I was without him. Even just knowing he was gone left me feeling alone and sad. It was even my idea! Let him go down and help Sarah with her new baby (yes, he is a rare and fantastic man that can handle an infant!). And I would stay home and handle any Real Estate activity that may come up over the weekend. Ron was good with that too, prefers the baby over strangers.

He has only been gone two other times in our married life. I have been gone countless times and Ron always stays home and handles EVERYTHING! He only left Friday, so that is just a total of 3 days, not even three whole days.

Having lost my father at 10 years old, I have always known how fragile life is and how quick your life can change. I also tend to look at scenarios, always trying to be ready, planning 50 different options and what I would do under each one. I am a "thinker", I tend to freeze in a new situation, so the years have taught me to think and plan ahead so I can react quicker. This has really served me well multiple times.

But I missed him. I knew he would be home soon. I talked to him several times. I still missed him. My rock was not home. I depend on him for so much. He is my rock. Is my foundation, is my life. I was depressed, lonely, sad. Pitiful!

So do I know that if something happens to him that I would be OK, survive, continue? Yes. Am I, who looks at all those scenarios really shocked by how lost I felt? YES! It was only 3 days for Pete's sake!

I would survive. As would Ron. I would grieve, as would Ron.

So first to all of you who have lost your "Ron", you have my condolences, my prayers and my admiration. I knew it was tough, just got a tiny reminder of just how tough.

For all of you that still have your "Ron", take a minute and let him (her) know how much they mean to you. You will never regret all the times you told them how much they meant to you, never.

Want to lose weight? Let's do it!

Yesterday I saw a friend I had not seen for some time. A couple years ago she lost a great deal of weight and looked and felt great. I don't know how she did it, but she gained it back really fast. She told me how good I looked and she sounded very sad.

I understand that sadness. Wanting something like not weighing 255 pounds and not thinking it will ever happen or that I could do it.  I am up again today, 189. I am thrilled with that!

I want to help you lose weight. You have to want to do it too for it to work.

Several main points have helped me this time. They are critical. I will be covering all of them over the next few days and longer.

You can follow me publicly on this blog, I think you need a gmail account to follow. Or you can just read. Or you can email me too.

I don't think it will work too good without you following me publicly or emailing. That has to do with accountability.

No charge for this. Nothing to buy, no multi level group to join.

My email is Lani@ida.net. Or join and let's get started!

Rewards for the good

186.5 Well, not really. I have found that if I am mostly good, eat what I should most of the time, a little indulgence is not bad. Yesterday my Sweet husband came home with a large bag of Doritos. I had several handfuls. I would have had more, but walked outside for a minute. When I came back I saw a very guilty looking Doberman quickly exiting my office. I went in to find that the space where the Doritos had been, was the cleanest it had likely ever been!

This is a new low. But not for long.

Have a great day! We are expecting our 20th Grand child today...induced labor. Everything looks great. All prayers are appreciated.

Half by Half

188.0. Another half pound and I am where I was several weeks ago.... That is OK, still heading the right direction and even if it takes a couple years, took me longer than that to get here!

I really need to start exercising. I need to because it is an extra level of incentive. I don't fall off the eating right wagon if I am also putting in physical effort.

It should be very encouraging to all that I am where I am without any exercising and really with passive effort! I do know that even just walking, without losing another ounce, would drop me a minimum of 1 pants size in 30 days. Hmmmmmm sounds like an idea.  I will let you know how it goes!

Thought of the Day:
When someone is really rude, short, just plain unpleasant, imagine them as a 3 year old throwing a fit over something. Usually, with a possible exception of language, you will notice a lot of similarities! Seeing that almost always helps you walk away laughing (maybe just to yourself), instead of letting it ruin your day. Too bad you can't send them to time out.

Is Cookie Cream Ice Cream eating healthy?

188.5. OK, frustrating day and just felt like getting something. So I went to the store for a half gallon of ice cream. Half was $3.68, but you could buy 2 for $5.00!....  I am not sure why, knowing in my brain that $3.68 is less money than $5.00, I still chose to purchase 2 halves so I could "save" money, but I did.

And of course, I planned on just having a bowl. I want to share two important truths with you. The first is, if it is in the house, I will eat it. The second I need to preface with the fact that I hate solid hard ice cream. I much prefer it mushy and soft. I accomplish this by setting the ice cream in the microwave for 15 seconds.  The second truth is if you are distracted and let the microwave go for a full minute.....you now have ice cream soup. And as a special bonus, truth #3 is, ice cream soup still tastes the same as normal ice cream, just not as cold.

In spite of my huge transgression, I stayed the same. I expect tomorrow to be better.

So what can I do today to make someones day a little brighter? I will start here.

Wherever you are, whatever you challenges, today YOU can make progress with them.

You can stop here if you want. I am going to share someones story that is very inspirational to me.

*********************************************************************************

I have an incredible lady in my life that has inspired me for the majority of my life. I am not naming her because I don't have permission to, have not asked.

She has MS. Has had for quite some time. MS is a progressive neurological disease that destroys people and peoples lives.

She works 60 to 70 hours per week and that does not count her 3 hour commute time each day and she typically works 6 days a week.

Since being diagnosed, she has been uplifting to others finding out they have this horrible disease. She typically says something along these lines: "Fantastic! It was not something worse. The hardest part is over because now you know what you have and there is no more fear of the unknown. And you can be grateful for for that!"

She has had multiple "flare ups". This is where the disease shows up and takes something from you. It can be the ability to walk, feel, talk, see, always something. Sometimes you get most of what you lost back, sometimes not. She has never felt sorry for herself for very long. Always picks herself back up and fights back.

She has worked when she could barely see. She has worked when she could not use her hands enough to even get dressed, yet she figures out ways of propping a pen in her nearly useless hand and learned to write left handed as that hand had more control than her right hand. People at her job don't even know what she has. She always comes up with a reason for whatever is going on.

This would be big enough, what I have already told you. But there is so much more. She is the most generous person I have ever met. Completely selfless. If someone needs something, she helps, giving all she has, giving her best, giving things she may not even have.

Once she heard of a woman who had saved a long time for a new TV, like a couple years. Then shortly after getting this, someone broke into her home and stole it. My lady took some rewards she had been saving from her job for something for her family,  and went down and purchase a brand new big TV for this woman and delivered it to her door. It was a much nicer TV than she had sitting in her own home. She did not even know this lady. This example is far from unusual for her and is just what she does. The only reason I even know about this is I happened to go by her home when the huge box was sitting in her living room prior to them delivering and setting it up. Otherwise, I never would have even known.

I could go on and on. She could go on disability, refuses to do that, it is for "people who really need it". She is honest beyond belief. And she will fight for what is right no matter what the consequences are. Sometimes that means she has to go up against much higher people in her job to fight for someone that has been in some way wronged. Nothing stops her.

She reminds me of a wolverine. In that she is small, fearless. Once she starts something, she won't let it go, it will be accomplished! She has backed down people much larger than herself who were being threatening to others physically. And she has done it when it meant standing up to a superior at work or saying something in a huge meeting about a policy that is wrong. Totally fearless.  That is really wrong. It is not that she has no fear or does not understand the possible consequences, it is that she does not let that knowledge stop her.

And maybe the best of all, and yes there is more, is her kindness. She has a heart that is even softer than it is generous. She is so kind hearted. If there is someone in need, they seem to find her. People just know. Complete strangers tell her their life story. They pour out their hearts to her. She finds a way to comfort those in pain. She listen, she cares, she loves.

She is my inspiration. She is my Hero.

Now go have a good day.

188.5

Wow, a week of not caring, eating whatever, got me back to 193. Then two days of eating right got me back here. Glad I quit the nonsense so fast.

Did you read that? Not beating myself up, just going on. I think that is a major accomplishment. Even though I continue to go back and forth and am far from being rigid on my eating, I know I am handling everything better.

If I just jump off the healthy wagon, I will do it then get back on. Not wanting to keep this routine up and I don't think I will. What I am seeing is less of a desire (need, compulsion) to binge. Still happens. I am also seeing it last less time and it is easier to go back to where I need to be, want to be. In fact, eating better is becoming the habit instead of the exception. It also helps a lot that I don't beat myself up over that time, that failure. Not a failure, just a step in the process.

I will be 54 next month. If I really understand that it has taken me a lifetime of habits to get me to the high weight, expecting to change that for good, forever, in just a couple weeks or months, is really unreasonable.  I don't want to go back to where I was. So if I understand this is a work in progress for the rest of my life, I believe I will continue to improve.

What I am looking for is for the next 54 years to be healthy and for me to continue to improve. If I look at it long range like that, any little bump in the process is just that, a little bump. Not a failure.

The benefits:

1. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted and ashamed.
2. I have energy to do things that are important to me.
3. People tell me all the time how good I look! A bit embarrassing, but I will handle it!
4. My blood pressure this morning was 97 over 66, that is down about 20 points from where it rode at the higher weights. I at least have good genetics in that department.
5. I enjoy clothes shopping.

I think the biggest one, bigger and better than any I just listed is I feel good about me. Not just my weight, but me as a person. The sad thing is that I have always been a good person, but the weight and society somehow made me feel that I was not.

I know how a lot of people say "I am happy at this weight". I did. I lied. I lied to myself! I don't believe in the unhealthy super skinny starved version you see in the movies or magazines. What I am talking about is a healthy weight. I don't believe that is the charts either. It really depends on the person. You should be healthy. Blood pressure and sugar within healthy range. You should be able to move....maybe even run a step or two. You should have enough energy to live a life worth living.

Hey, go hug someone. If you can't, just smile at someone. It may be the only hug or smile they see today. And it may make their day better. It will make yours better.

I had fun!

191.5.  I had a wonderful weekend! Full of ice cream with magic shell toppings, french toast, peanut butter sandwiches with lots of jam, donuts and all manner of garbage! So 191.5 I feel very blessed about.

What is interesting this time is the lack of guilt. I am not beating myself up. That was fun, maybe even needed, now I can get back to my life, back to eating healthy and feeling better and go on with life.

I would not want to do that for long, this was long enough. I do actually feel much worse when I eat like that. Lethargic, sleepy, upset tummy and interesting enough, totally unsatisfied. Always looking for more to eat! So I ate a ton more food, WAY more calories and wanted more...more......I said MORE!

Totally new topic:
Went to Winco this weekend (a grocery store in case you are not from this area). There was a lady in front of me trying to use some type of card. Could have been  food stamps. She was in her 60's and had a baby under a year old. So not sure if she was sitting or it was a foster child or just what the deal was, but the card was not working. They had to call the manager repeatedly.  The entire delay took maybe 5 minutes. The store was packed, would have taken more time to change lanes than just to wait.  The lady was pleasant, as was the store clerk.

I had my 4 year old granddaughter with me, we passed the time with no problem.

The story is being related because of the two nasty people behind me. Now they were only there for about 3 minutes. All they could do was be rude and unkind. They complained about everything. I felt like I was between good and evil. They even made the poor clerk put back some deli chicken they bought because it was "cold" because they had to wait "so long". In spite of their nastiness, the clerk was kind, smiling and tried hard to be helpful. It did not matter, nothing mattered to these two. They were just ugly and nasty. They had a horrible dark cloud that surrounded them and they tried to drag everyone around them into it.

I have never understood that. Never understood why people have to be so mean about things. Why you would try to ruin someone else's day. I think these people are just so negative, all they can see is bad. Even beauty is somehow dark and ugly with these folks.

Have you ever noticed that there are people with every reason in the world to have a bad attitude. Sickness, family tragedy, natural disasters. Yet a big number of these people are grateful! They are grateful for their blessings, for tiny acts of kindness, for things not being worse. They often actually work to make others, often people much more fortunate than themselves, feel better and have a better day!

I am a long way from perfect. But I hope and pray that when people think of me, they think about how I made a difference for the good. Even if that good is only a smile or something very simple like that. I hope somehow I make someones burden lighter. Help them see something good and beautiful. I hope the same for you.

Mental addiction

187.0  Started at 214 January 2nd. That is 27 pounds! Notice how long it has taken. Not anywhere near the time it took to get to my high weight times.

I have to thank Sandi. There have been several times I thought....well, I can slide today, I have been really good. Then I think about my skinny daughter taunting me "Ha Mom, I won!!!!" and I am good another day.

It gets easier every day. Does not mean that sometimes I don't want to sit down with a box of Ding Dongs and just pig out. Problem is, my system use to tolerate that kind of abuse because I had worked up to it over the years. If I try something like that now, I am sick for a day or two. Makes you wonder what it has cost me all those years.

I still don't understand fully why those temptations are still there. Or why I give in to them.  I feel better when I eat right. I feel better physically and emotionally. Again, because it is not dieting, not starving or depriving my body of the needed nutrients, just eating healthy.

When I do give in, I know it is self destructive while I am doing it, I know what it will do and what I will feel like. Yet still I feel powerless to do anything about it.  I think at this point it is habit and a bit of mental addiction. That was always my comfort food. So even now, when there is no "comfort" in it, I still revert.  The good news is that it happens less and less.

Food: Breakfast was the spinach shake. Till dinner I was busy, so the day consisted of multiple diet cokes, lots of fresh veggies, water and oranges. A couple bananas.  So I just snacked all day. Then my wonderful husband made pork chops and veggies for dinner.

Mood: A little stressed. Lots of things going on right now. But Paisley our Granddaughter is here and keeping what is important in life, in the front of our minds.

Exercise: Someday.

Homework: Be the reason someone smiles, even if it is just because you smiled at them.

Slow but steady

188.0

Not bad. Another half. Even better considering I drove to Logan Sunday, painted a room for about 12 hours. Got up Monday, did a little more and then came home with my 4 year old Grand Daughter.

Normally painting is also an eating activity for me. Not this time. I just had the normal meals. Also travel is difficult to keep eating correctly and hydrated. Managed to do both. Even so, I am very glad to see that half pound!

Paisley is going to be 5 in August. When you have the chance to have a grandchild without the parents for more than just a couple days, you learn many lessons. 1. There are reasons people should have children in their younger years, 20's as opposed to 50's.  Energy and stamina would be one of those reasons. 2. You are no longer young. 3. You are wiser than ever and incredibly stupid all at the same time. 4. Grandchildren, when you really listen, will teach you what is important in life. 5. Any child, regardless of their blood relationship, should be your grandchild.

When I was in my 20's, I was very tired a lot. Stressed, and all those other things young parents or just young adults are. I find I have more patience in some areas now. Things that would have annoyed me or made me mad, I laugh at or at least am amused. I find I have less patience. I don't tolerate rudeness or disrespect. In the last 30 years there have been some good changes in the way children are treated, keeping on track with those changes is important.

What I really like is the feeling I have when I have private time with the little ones, a trip to the store or out to feed the animals. I bask in their perceptions of the world around them. I enjoy answering their questions (most of the time). There is a sense of what is really important (the children) and a sense of what is right with the world. They put purpose and joy in just about everything. Simple and mundane tasks become great mysteries to be explained and examined. They bring "wonder" back into your life.

We will have Paisley for a couple weeks or whenever she gets homesick, whatever happens first. While she is here I look forward to horse lessons and life lessons (for me).

Take a minute today and listen to a little child. Not just the words, but the spirit. It will bring wonder back into your life too!