188.5

Wow, a week of not caring, eating whatever, got me back to 193. Then two days of eating right got me back here. Glad I quit the nonsense so fast.

Did you read that? Not beating myself up, just going on. I think that is a major accomplishment. Even though I continue to go back and forth and am far from being rigid on my eating, I know I am handling everything better.

If I just jump off the healthy wagon, I will do it then get back on. Not wanting to keep this routine up and I don't think I will. What I am seeing is less of a desire (need, compulsion) to binge. Still happens. I am also seeing it last less time and it is easier to go back to where I need to be, want to be. In fact, eating better is becoming the habit instead of the exception. It also helps a lot that I don't beat myself up over that time, that failure. Not a failure, just a step in the process.

I will be 54 next month. If I really understand that it has taken me a lifetime of habits to get me to the high weight, expecting to change that for good, forever, in just a couple weeks or months, is really unreasonable.  I don't want to go back to where I was. So if I understand this is a work in progress for the rest of my life, I believe I will continue to improve.

What I am looking for is for the next 54 years to be healthy and for me to continue to improve. If I look at it long range like that, any little bump in the process is just that, a little bump. Not a failure.

The benefits:

1. I can look at myself in the mirror and not be disgusted and ashamed.
2. I have energy to do things that are important to me.
3. People tell me all the time how good I look! A bit embarrassing, but I will handle it!
4. My blood pressure this morning was 97 over 66, that is down about 20 points from where it rode at the higher weights. I at least have good genetics in that department.
5. I enjoy clothes shopping.

I think the biggest one, bigger and better than any I just listed is I feel good about me. Not just my weight, but me as a person. The sad thing is that I have always been a good person, but the weight and society somehow made me feel that I was not.

I know how a lot of people say "I am happy at this weight". I did. I lied. I lied to myself! I don't believe in the unhealthy super skinny starved version you see in the movies or magazines. What I am talking about is a healthy weight. I don't believe that is the charts either. It really depends on the person. You should be healthy. Blood pressure and sugar within healthy range. You should be able to move....maybe even run a step or two. You should have enough energy to live a life worth living.

Hey, go hug someone. If you can't, just smile at someone. It may be the only hug or smile they see today. And it may make their day better. It will make yours better.