Reality bites

***199.0
My sweet husband has been working on putting all our pictures into digital form. A task that has taken countless hours and great dedication!

Like anyone who works very hard, he has asked me to view some of the photo's and review the video from the 8mm and vhs that he is also recording.

Most were awesome! In that collection of long forgotten history was evidence that I never wanted to see. Pictures and video of me at my higher weights.

First came the pictures. All of the shame came back. Annoyance that I had allowed myself to get to 255+. Disbelief at the pictures I saw. Family shots, professionally taken for our family pictures. And there I was, wearing a Mans XXL polo shirt that I got at work. Because I thought that shirt would hide my rolls the best. Ron was happy to find these long lost treasures and did not know how it effected me.

A couple days later was a video of a birthday party. And there I was. I truly did not even know it was me until I spoke! I could not stand easily. I waddled. I was huge. I had no idea! It just happened, one bite, one decision at a time over years, it just happened.

And I think the thing that really bothers me now is that I allowed all those years of my life and my families lives to be affected by my weight.

The good things that have come from it is it started me back the right direction. I had gone up again. This is not a task to be completed and forgotten! It is life long.

I still do not know why I sabotage myself as I do.  I truly do have to "work" at gaining weight! Eating garbage and way too much.

It also allowed me to give myself some credit. 50+ pounds is a large amount to lose! And although I have been floating around 200 for about 2 years, that is still 50 pounds!!!!!

Time for the next step.

Depression is certainly part of all this. Pulling me back into old "comfort" foods and habits that really need to go away.

One last word. This blog is really about me sharing MY journey. For some, 110 pounds is huge. For others, they "dream" of weighing 255 or 200. This is about me.

I do get those who preach being "happy" and OK with whatever size you are. Sorry, not buying it. Overweight robs my life. Robs my future and my family. It is unhealthy. Needs to change. We are not talking about me being upset that I am 120 pounds, being really too thin already at my height. We are talking at this point of me being around 50 pounds above the highest weight on those lousy charts. And in the beginning, I was over 100 pounds too heavy!

Please, if you struggle with this too, either depression or "obesity" like I do. Join me in my journey. Struggle with me. Make progress with me.