1 day 1 pound

195.5. Wow, yesterday was more difficult than I expected. I have been really eating everything in site and decided to go back to my "No Carbs!". Talk about addiction! Now understand, veggies and fruit have carbs and those I do eat. What I am talking about is bread, donuts, chocolate, lots of sugar and so forth.

So yesterday I had the green shake in the morning, chicken salad for lunch and Sandi (daughter) is visiting and made a very yummy Pumpkin soup for dinner. I also had a couple of banana's and a couple oranges.  I had to go to Walmart and was quite shocked at how difficult it was to avoid the cookies, candy bars and so forth. Kept thinking about them, kept wandering into those areas and really had to decide I did NOT want them.

The more I travel this road, the more I understand that for me, it truly is an addiction. And people with an addiction cannot be a "social drinker" or in my case, a "social carb eater". I don't stop. One simple thing leads to more and more. I know it sound stupid, but I find it nearly impossible to stop myself. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to admit a donut or candy bar has power over me??? At this point in my life, you would think I had a bit more will power than that.

The other part that is a continued revelation is I truly must over eat to maintain my heavier weight.  Yesterday I had 4 large bananas. Purchased at Walmart. Figured it was better than a chocolate bar. Any of you know that you should avoid, or at least go easy on the bananas! I had 4 large ones. Still lost an entire pound. Likely would have been more if I had skipped them all together.

Facebook - I miss posting on it. At least a couple people would "like" a comment. Felt less like I was talking to a wall, like maybe someone out there listened. There is not a "like" on this. So please comment! The goal was to help myself, but also others going through the same thing.  I stopped Facebook for this because my posts are so very long and I wanted to go even more into what was going on with this journey. Just did not feel like the right place to lay it all out on Facebook.

Depression - It has lifted. I still feel the effect. Mostly because I feel so much better, just not feeling so low. This is a pretty common routine in my life. When hormones were still a big factor in my life, this happened several times a year. Now not nearly so often. This one was slow coming on, but looking back I can see it started in December. That is when my daughter told us they were moving to Nampa. And she had the nerve to take her children too! 5 hours away. Very grateful it is not further. Other things piled on and it was more difficult to shake things off.

It got more and more difficult to function. To handle basic things. I did function, always handled everything that HAD to be handled. But no more. February I took a business trip. Found depression helps you be a total flake too! Lost my wallet (found it thankfully), forgot a lot of things that I should not have forgotten.

My poor husband, he sure deals with a lot. He never says a word. March things just kept getting darker and worse. I don't know why I don't see things as clearly when it is going on. It might help. I have taken an anti depressant in the past and it helped. But this has to hang on a very long time for me to go down that road.  It was getting close this time. I had actually thought of it, just another thing I did not get around to.

So what makes it lift? What makes it go away? No idea. Nothing I do. Nothing I don't do. It just happens. The only exception was the medication. I have read that studies show medication only helps very severe depression. Hmm. Placebo effect? Is my depression severe? I don't know.

Usually what happens is I get fed up and start doing SOMETHING! Just decide I have had it and am done. What I don't know is if that happens because I am starting to come out of it or if that makes me come out of it. I know all this already. And yet, in the middle of all this, I find it impossible to short circuit things and get out of it sooner. I don't have the answer.

What is encouraging to me, even in depression is the fact that I keep trying. I keep going. Sometimes that "going" is just existing through the day. Hoping tomorrow is a better day. I have become kinder to myself. Understanding that I am not "Lazy", "Worthless" or "No Good". This is an actual medical problem. I have allergies too, does not make me a failure. It helps that Ron does not condemn me.  He also does not "enable" me. I have to do things for myself. That saves me I think. Otherwise it would be way too easy to crawl into a dark hole and never come out.